My grandson’s suicide has shattered me
DEAR BEL
I AM 84, was blessed with two sons and two grandsons, and am now the doting greatgrandmother of two beautiful girls. My family all live 200 miles away in Hertfordshire and I live in glorious North Yorkshire.
Two and a half years ago my eldest son, who was unmarried and lived near me, died (at 59) after a serious cancer operation. I still miss him dreadfully, but I knew death was what he desired and when he passed away peacefully in his own home I could temper my grief with the knowledge that he was out of pain and at peace.
I am a Christian and though my life has not been easy my faith has never wavered — if anything, it has become stronger with age.
In November, my dear grandson David (whose father is my remaining son) took his life, leaving us shattered and heartbroken and asking why . . . why . . . why?
He was 32, a gifted man with a first-class degree. He was gay, but not in any special relationship and had many straight friends.
David was bullied at school (he wore spectacles from the age of three) and although he threw himself with enthusiasm into everything he did, somehow nothing seemed to work out. He suffered from increasing depression.
Nowhere in the NHS was there any help or guidance or even knowledge from doctors other than the offer of Prozac and being told to get on with it.
I want some of the money I was going to leave to David to go to a charity supporting treatment for depression, but do not know of any. Can you advise?
ANN
There is a spirit in your letter which I admire very much — a quiet courage within calm, thoughtful words which tell of great grief, but great love, too. It interests me that you can tell me that your religious faith has become even stronger at this stage in your life when it has surely been sorely tested by that terrible question: ‘Why?’
Most people try so hard to make sense of the sad (and worse) events in their lives and often founder along the way. You use the word ‘blessed’ of yourself and it seems to me (I write with humility) to be true.
It is very disturbing to read that your family found no help within the NhS; as most of us know, some GPs are wonderful, but others not so good. The NhS online advice is also rather unsatisfactory.
I visited the NhS Choices site, took the ‘depression self-assessment test’ and learned that I may be depressed. That is certainly not the case and I therefore worry that such simplistic multiple-choice exercises could be misleading, even damaging.
But it is heartening that this week the Prime Minister has pledged £1billion in a bid to transform mental health services in Britain. Since one in four people will develop a mental health problem this year, this is certainly not before time. It astonishes me that with all the information that is out there in newspapers, magazines and online, people are still shockingly ignorant about post-natal depression (for example) when it happens within their family.
I don’t blame folk for coming out with platitudes like ‘you have to get on with it’ or ‘people have to pull themselves together’, but I beg you to think first, because those words effectively push pain away.
But you know all this, don’t you, Ann? Over and over you’ve revisited your poor grandson’s life — the disappointments and cruelties he experienced — and come up with no answer to that bleak: ‘Why?’
how could you? That is why we need the charities who specialise, not just in mental health (Mind and Sane) for example, but also very specifically in suicide and its prevention. I think it is marvellous that you want to give money to such a charity as a legacy for him, to honour his memory.
With no expertise in the subject (I hasten to add) I suggest you investigate two smaller organisations that do good work.
PAPYrUS (papyrus-uk.org) points out that suicide is the leading cause of young deaths in the UK and believes that many could be prevented. It works on many fronts: support, a helpline (0800 068 4141), training and campaigning. Look also at Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (uk-sobs.org.uk, 0300 111 5065), which helps adults affected by the suicide of a loved one.
Ann, I am so happy you have those great-granddaughters.