I bet she’s never even met a Size 16 woman

TO ANYONE paying close attention, the signs were there last September when, in a carefully orchestrated paparazzi photo-opportunity, top international model-cum-muse Alexa Chung was spotted wearing that wretched Marks & Spencer suede skirt.

Remember that? It was the ‘musthave’ of the new season, the fashion pages dutifully informed us. Except it wasn’t really, since a) only the staff of Vogue actually bought the thing, b) it made anyone over a size 6 look like an obese Heidi and c) it cost £199, which is quite a lot for an ugly skirt.

Now Marks & Spencer has gone the whole hog and hired Ms Chung to design a collection of what I fear will be similarly unwearable items.

Based on classics from the M&S vaults in Leeds, the Chung Archive collection will consist of 31 ‘pieces’ (as fashionistas like to call them; to you and I they’re clothes), ‘reworked for a 21st century aesthetic’.

Of course, it’s possible that Ms Chung will produce a selection of wearable, stylish, timeless classics that will prove just the ticket to reviving the flagging fortunes of M&S’s women’s clothing division.

I, for one, would be absolutely thrilled if she did. After all, it’s ages since I’ve bought anything in Marks & Spencer that — after I’ve looked at it at home — hasn’t instantly gone back in its recyclable bag, alongside the receipt, waiting to be exchanged for (yet another) pair of waist-sculpting pants or a bumper pack of 40 denier tights.

But let’s face it, the chances of her making Middle Britain fall back in love with Marks are even slimmer than Ms Chung herself. Because bless her, she’s very gorgeous and looks absolutely super in photographs, but the idea that she has even the foggiest notion of what your average female shopper browsing the rails of Per Una wants or needs is, quite honestly, fantasy.

There was a time, 20-odd years ago, when M&S clothing sales accounted for 20 per cent of the nation’s wardrobe spend.

Over the years, that number has been dwindling. In 2015, their market share stood at 8.7 per cent. Soon, I imagine, it will be even less.

And still the management refuse to listen to the message coming at them loud and clear from their customers: we’re not interested in high fashion or celebrity endorsements. We just want well-made, stylish, timeless clothes that fit well and don’t cost a fortune.

Twenty years ago, that was exactly was M&S did. And it was brilliant. They made things like the wonderful black cape I still wear to this day, which can’t have cost more that £40, and which always draws compliments.

Their underwear didn’t itch, their sizing was true (really not the case any more) and quality, value for money and customer service were at the heart of their offering.

Now, it’s either frumpy jumpers in shades of mud or madcap creations that would struggle to shift in Top Shop. The middle ground is entirely barren.

AND yet the middle ground is — and always has been — M&S’s Unique Selling Point. It’s what they do so brilliantly in their food division, where Fortnum & Mason pretensions are married skilfully to supermarket prices. They do it elsewhere, too, in beauty and menswear. And yet for some reason, they just can’t get it right in womenswear.

If there’s one thing guaranteed to make Mrs Middle Britain, with her mummy tummy and aching feet and straining purse strings, absolutely incandescent with rage it’s the sight of Alexa sodding Chung skipping about in high-necked transparent silk chiffon and palazzo pants that most ordinary women couldn’t even get past their cankles.

But hey, I could be wrong. We’ll have to wait until April, when Alexa’s range is unveiled, to find out. And then, if I, a size 16 middle-aged woman, can look even half-way decent in any of it, I’ll eat my words. But I’m pretty confident I won’t have to.