Does my fiance love his dead wife more than me?

How very sad to read that such a promising relationship, between two mature people who clearly deserved a second chance, should have dwindled to this state of mutually assured unhappiness.

Because that’s how it sounds, to an outsider. Your very long letter (four times as lengthy as my edit) gives chapter and verse of dissatisfaction (on your part) and dishonesty (on his part) — which would be enough to ring alarm bell seven if you hadn’t found that extraordinary Christmas card.

Your man won’t be the first to cherish precious, sentimental memories of his late wife; I am sure you know that such feelings are normal.

But I agree it is very strange to f eel they have to be written out like that — when you are engaged to a new partner.

Perhaps he wanted you to find the card, to understand that his sadness is still raw. Perhaps he feels permanently guilty f or not being faithful to her memory — and that’s why he has not made enough effort to cherish your relationship.

His willingness to allow his unpleasant, adult son to hang out with you all weekend before you moved in together (as you say in your

longer letter) is just one example of bizarrely careless behaviour . What was he thinking?

In the unedited letter you say how insecure he makes you feel, how he flirts with other women (turned on by that porn, maybe?), how he spends money on his son while you always ‘go Dutch’.

Reading it, I wasn ’t sold on this ‘good man’ at all. But it’s interesting that after the long , long litany of complaints and unhappiness you ask my advice about forgiving and forgetting. By then I’d assumed the whole thing was over. . . but I should know better, because it ’s very, very hard to face the future alone.

Usually, I counsel caution when it comes to ending a relationship — because I know it ’s daunting to imagine, for example, cancelling a wonderful planned trip.

On the other hand, wouldn ’t the romantic holiday make a mockery of your feelings if you can no longer trust him, and if he remains distant towards you?

I think it would be a good idea to have a break, for him to move into a rented place for a while, and then f or y ou both t o have s ome counselling with Relate.

Seriously, I think you need to talk through all these issues with an experienced third person — as your partner needs to address his grief for this wife as well as his sexuality , and you need to explain to him, through a meditator , how he has made you feel.

I see no alternative to this — and if he agrees to the counselling sessions, it will prove that he is willing to work on a relationship which he has hitherto neglected.

If he refuses then — yes — it’s time to call time.