Memories of my baby

IT’S nearly 42 years since I had my stillborn baby (Mail), and it’s an experience that you never forget.

I had gone for my antenatal as usual with just three weeks and three days to go, and the nurse couldn’t hear the heartbeat. I didn’t worry too much at that stage, but when my specialist was brought in and couldn’t hear it that was a bit alarming.

I was on my own, and I was just sent for an X-ray and had to take it back to the specialist. When I did so, she looked at it and then — in a really matter- of-fact way — said that my baby was dead and that I would go into labour naturally.

Needless to say, when I got back to my friend’s to pick up my son after a long bus ride, I was in a bit of a state. In those days, hospitals didn’t call your family to collect you, and my friend was shocked that I had been sent home on my own.

Two days later I went into labour and delivered a perfectly formed 7½lb baby boy. I did manage to see him and he looked just like our other son, but asleep. They didn’t then let you hold your babies, they just took them away and you were told they would go in a communal grave, but not where it would be.

My breasts were swelling with milk, but there was no one there to give it to and because people wouldn’t talk about it, I kept wondering if I had actually even had a baby.

It was a very bad time, but I am a strong person and was able to get through and helped other people who suffered the same by talking about their baby, as I didn’t want them to feel like I did.

We did call our son Peter, as that is what he would have been called had he lived. I still say Happy Birthday on November 9 because he was a person.

Nowadays, they let you take photos and hold your baby, which is definitely an improvement.

ANN COUZENS, Southport, Merseyside.