Should I stop giving money to my greedy, nasty son?

DEAR BEL I AM 66, divorced for 22 years, with one son who is 40 and married, with a daughter of 15. They live four miles away, but I see them only fortnightly(ish), with not much contact in between.

Granted, they are busy with their own businesses. I live alone in a village and, although I have a car, I spend many days at home — a typical, lonely pensioner!

How should I handle my son and his family? He was a difficult child and still has a chip on his shoulder, as if the world owes him something. I have always tried to make it up to him by helping them with money, as deep down I feel it is probably my fault he is like he is — quite nasty most of the time.

I have handed him £4,000 this year alone (plus another £20,000 in stages over ten years, with new cars for both) and even a cheque today for another £1,000! I also often buy their affection with a grocery shop, to keep them happy!

When I visit, I am laden down with ‘gifts’! Stupid, I know. I leave myself short of money, until building up funds again. Today, he told me to give money towards my granddaughter’s future car . . . she is only 15! Last year, I gave them £500 towards her car insurance (already ahead!), but my daughter-in-law just put it in her account, so I guess that was used up.

I doubt that I shall mention it, as she is extremely volatile . . . like him!

His father and I split when he was in his middle teens and he came with me. His father is now 62, married to a woman 30 years his junior, with one child. This all disgusts my son. Three years ago, they had a terrible quarrel and if I mention it, my son gets angry.

I am afraid of him; another reason why I give him money, I suppose, to sweeten him! I know that if I don’t treat them, I shan’t see my granddaughter.

I used to see her a lot ten years ago, but now she is distant with me, although I give her £20 a fortnight pocket money. She never telephones or texts or makes conversation with me, ever.

It is very difficult and I regret handing them my money, but I can’t seem to stop doing it! I always hope that maybe another £1,000 will make them respond favourably to me, but none of them ever says ‘thank you’.

If I ask my son to do little jobs for me (for which I’ll pay) he is too busy. The other day, I climbed a ladder outside to tighten a bolt on my TV aerial because he hadn’t got time.

Then, what did I do? Give them £1,000 to help them out! Why am I like this? It makes me depressed.

GILL

There is another letter here, called: ‘Son is just always too busy.’ Like you, Margret (67) feels sorely neglected by her 40-year-old son, who has visited her four times in seven years.

Despite having just had a knee replacement, she was all alone at Christmas and New Year. Now she has decided that enough is enough and has stopped expecting anything.

She writes: ‘I am sad and lonely and my life is empty. how can my son treat me so appallingly when he is always seeing his wife’s family?’

Well, usually you don’t have to look very far for an answer. If the wife in both cases is indifferent to her motherin-law’s feelings there is little chance of any fairness or kindness. The son wants an easy life and almost certainly has issues of his own. Sad, sad, sad.

So back to your terrible tale of attempting to buy affection from people who should be ashamed of themselves for exploiting your need and weakness. You would be too terrified to take Margret’s path of lonely dignity, choosing instead to be used and neglected at the same time.

Turning up with bags of groceries and gifts is (it seems to me) totally

undignified and i t makes me frustrated you have continued with this behaviour ( shall we call it victimhood?) with no thanks in return, let alone help.

You see your family fortnightly, yet they could be at the other end of the country (like Margret’s) for all the empathy they display.

In your uncut email you describe returning to full-time work when your son was three months old, leaving him with a childminder. You clearly feel residual guilt and think it is this that partly explains your son’s personality. But remember that many people are looked after by child-minders, without turning into nasty, greedy, bad-tempered, demanding ‘takers’.

You know you should not have given them all that money because now they expect you always to say ‘yes’. You must also realise that your teenage granddaughter has been given no guidance as to how to behave, and so is set to turn into an adult like her parents.

So it will come as no surprise to you that I think you must STOP — right now. How dare your son question your right to change your car, as you say he did in your uncut letter? How dare his wife just take £500 and not allocate it properly? How can they be so indulgent as to promise this young madam a car already and expect you to contribute? These bullies make me angry.

I know what you should do and so do you — although saying so doesn’t make it easy. But think of this: you are not ‘buying affection’ because you do not receive any — so how does that work? In truth, you are ‘buying’ contempt.

In trying to atone for old guilt you are thoroughly disrespected the process.

So, I suggest you regard your actions as masochism and therefore choose a charity to become heavily involved with, giving it both your time and any spare funds.

Commit to a standing order and then inform your son that this is how it is going to be for the next couple of years, before you reconsider what to do with your money. It might make him angry, but anxious, too.

Like Margret, you have to stand up for yourself.

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