I need my husband to be a real man
DEAR BEL I AM 46; married (to my first boyfriend) f or 23 years, together almost 31. People must think I have it all: a kind, decent, attractive, hardworking man, health, family, no financial worries, a lovely house with rescue dogs, sheep and hens. Except I feel invisible.
My husband treats me like a princess. The problem lies with his l ow sex drive. Yes he tries, but that is how it feels, slotted around other things, never spontaneous.
Low priority, with little to no kisses or touching! He is also not light-hearted, but a little sharp at times and very quiet.
About four years ago I moved to a new role, which involves working with a lot of men — after a 20-year career among mainly women. I have never felt more physically attractive in my whole life. I am slimmer, my hair is longer, my friends have commented. And yes, the attention has made me feel alive.
One particular colleague has become a very good friend, which I know my husband feels threatened by and not without reason. Though rather than hearing a wake-up call, he seems to have retreated further into his shell.
I love him and we have had candid chats about everything including this. Would testosterone help? I have told him he will push me into an affair.
I own some beautiful underwear, most of which he chose, but this seems to do nothing for him. We have tried spending more time trying things. He hates the idea of being single, but that is no reason to stay together.
I think this is about considering the next chapter. I dread loneliness, but am not afraid of going it alone. Am I asking too much in longing for intimacy?
ALISON
YOU could write to every sex columnist in the world and I am afraid they could offer no ‘solution’. Oh, it is easy to counsel getting sexy underwear (check) and having frank talks (check) and creating emotional intimacy by spending time together (check).
But if there is a fundamental imbalance between the respective libidos of a long-married couple, then it is extremely difficult to set the problem right.
I apologise f or such a negative beginning, but must tell it like it is. If a wife snuggles up to her husband wanting sex and his body just doesn’t do what it should, how can he perform?
I understand your ‘longing’, but I am afraid it probably is ‘too much’ — given those 31 years and the fact that it is very common and normal for desire to go into semi-permanent hibernation.
It seems obvious you are longing for an affair and have already lined up the chap. Your husband guesses, and that makes him retreat still further. He’s that kind of guy, as you say.
The more you blossom, the harder he will find it to respond because he knows this blossoming is not about him. It’s all about being flattered and, honestly, I absolutely understand that powerful sense of being fancied by a group of men. It is a potent ( and very dangerous) aphrodisiac.
You mention ‘ family’ in your first paragraph, but give no information. If you have children and just forgot to give details, it reveals much about your current preoccupation.
If you don’t have children, then it is arguably less damaging to think of destroying your home. Yes, you may destroy your husband along the way, but it might seem a small price to pay for feeling liberated. Still, be very careful. If you end up old and alone, you might yearn for the steady life you lost.
At 46, you are approaching a challenging time for a woman and this must be in your mind. You want excitement and physical satisfaction while you are still young.
But if you choose to stay in this marriage, you may have to accept that you will not find them with this husband, so you will have to decide whether you want to destroy the life you have created for the sake of frustrated sexual desire.
I advise you to persuade him to go to Relate and to talk the whole problem through with a trained person. Sexual issues are very much a part of their brief, so you should be able to raise questions like the one about testosterone.
Surely you owe it to the 31 years with that blameless man to at least try?