Should I pay my granddaughter’s school fees?

QMY ELDER daughter has asked me to help with the cost of sending her child to a private school. She suggests I pay half the fees. Without my help, she and her husband would have to decline the offer of a place.

I would like my granddaughter to go to this school — the same one her mother went to — because it’s close, very good and the state school alternative is not.

I’m dithering because I have three younger grandchildren and the possibility of more, yet to be born, to whom I feel I should be equally generous, if asked.

As I still work, I can afford to contribute to the first granddaughter’s fees, but the same amount times four when I’m on a pension would be too much.

What if the other grandchildren don’t win a place at a ‘top’ independent school or their parents don’t want to opt out of the state system?

Either way, I hate the idea I’m heading towards a form of favouritism. I’m trying to think of a way, other than winning the Lottery, to help my kids do what they think is best for theirs.

ATHE impetus to help your children with their own family is enormous. Of course you want t he best f or them. It would be wonderful to have a pot of money so large you’d be able to make all their dreams come true ( while they all live in glorious houses you’ve paid for, too.) But you’re not dealing with a bottomless amount of cash here and, even if you were, it would still be a hard decision to make.

As you say, paying half your granddaughter’s school fees would be a major commitment. What if you suddenly decide to travel round the world, or buy a yacht? I’m being flippant, but the message is, you never know what’s round the corner for you.

Besides the fact that you may like to spend your money on yourself sometimes, you’d have to make a similar offer to all the other grandchildren. Where families are concerned, there’s a huge emphasis on being fair.

The move to secondary school is always a fraught one. It seems to get harder every year. When your daughter entered her child for those exams, she knew she wasn’t in a position to pay for the school.

Getting a place was a good indicator of her daughter’s abilities, even if they couldn’t take it up. I understand your attachment to the place — family history and location — but I think it has made you fearful of the alternative.

Are you sure you really know about the school she could go to instead? From the tone of your letter, I think you may be keener on the private school than anyone else and that’s why your daughter has come up with this solution. But it isn’t the right one, for several reasons. Not least because she isn’t your only grandchild, but also because it places an unhealthy emphasis on the child’s education, which could turn out burdensome for her, too. She can feel very proud of having won a place, but not going there doesn’t mean she’s doomed educationally. Suppose she hadn’t been accepted? I doubt you’ll ever measure your grandchildren solely by their academic achievements — they’ll all be different. Why not offer help financially with more specialised things — extra music lessons, or tuition in subjects she struggles with?

You might like to consider giving the same amount to each grandchild, then their parents can decide how to spend it. You could indulge your family in other ways too, with holidays they couldn’t otherwise afford, or treats. Single gifts or short-term financial help will make a huge difference to your grandchildren’s l i ves, without you worrying about falling behind with payments or being unfair. You have a marvellous — free — wealth of experience to share with your grandchildren and enough spending power to have lots of fun with them. They certainly won’t feel short-changed.