Hell, yeah! I’m going to bomb the Isle of Wight
DAY 1: Donald Trump arrives for his inauguration bearing a high-velocity machine gun ‘just in case’. Day 2: President Trump calls in the painters for a complete refurbishment of The White House. ‘From this moment on, it will be known as The Gold House,’ he declares as he unveils plans for the glittering exterior. Day 3: In a conciliatory gesture, President Trump invites his rivals for the Republican nomination to join him in a photoshoot on The Gold House lawn. ‘I’ll stand while you guys kneel, that’s the only way we’ll be able to fit you all in.’ Day 4: President Trump tweets: ‘Watch out, guys! Going to war against Islamic State just as soon as we can find it on the map.’ Day 5: Trump’s Chief of Staff , Donald Trump Junior, announces free healthcare for all U.S. citizens. ‘Just so long as you take up our special offer of a three-nights-for-the-price-of-two at the Trump Hotel nearest you,’ he tells a crowded press conference, adding: ‘ For terms and conditions, go to website.’ Day 6: New York’s Central Park is to be renamed Trump Central Theme Park. ‘New Yorkers are bored sick of having nothing to do but walk around and go boating all day long,’ explains President Trump. ‘What they want is gaming machines, a championship-standard golf course and a top-of-the-range car-park — and that, my friends, is what we intend to deliver.’ Day 7: President Trump declares war on the Isle of Wight. ‘The best way to deal with bullies is to hit them before they get a chance to hit you. And you know what? There’s something about the Isle of Wight I don’t like. It’s too peaceful, too quiet. You and I know that means only one thing: something’s up.’ Day 8: The Grand Canyon is to be known henceforth as The Grand Trump Canyon. ‘We’re going to concrete in all those unnecessary holes,’ says President Trump. ‘That way, we can get from one side to the other without having to go all the way round.’ Day 9: From now on, firearms will be compulsory in all primary schools. ‘There’s no point teaching our kids to read and write if they’ve just been shot dead by some two-bit loser,’ explains President Trump. ‘This way, they get to shoot the loser first.’ Day 10: For the first time in history, the President’s hair is given its own office, with social secretary and press adviser. ‘This is in direct response to the many requests for speaking engagements and personal appearances for the President’s hair,’ explains The Gold House Chief of Staff. ‘However, I can confirm that the President’s hair has agreed never to take an executive decision without first consulting the President.’ Day 11: Meaning to put a call through to his Appointments secretary, President Trump presses the wrong button and bombs North Korea by mistake. Countering criticism, he says: ‘Oh well, better safe than sorry.’ Following complaints from a furious President Kim Jongun, he observes: ‘There’s one guy who can’t take a joke! Lighten up, Kim!’ Day 12: President Trump installs a hot tub in the Oval Office, where his desk once was .‘ Every true American identifies a desk as the surest sign of a total loser,’ he tweets. Day 13: The zoo in Trump Central Theme Park is to be closed down. ‘I have it on good information that those sea lions and monkeys are all fully-paid up members of ISIS,’ announces President Trump. ‘So, in the interest of national security, I am today turning that zoo into a five-star Trump casino.’ Day 14: In an attempt to ‘build bridges’ with the UK, President Trump offers David Cameron a job as the senior concierge at the five-star Trump Hotel in Las Vegas. ‘What do you mean it’s an insult? It’s a very senior position that’s just crying out for al imp-wrist ed upper-class English ponce!’ he explains. Day 15: In a surprise move, President Trump takes it upon himself to award retrospective Academy Awards to three movies: American Sniper, Black Hawk Down and Heartbreak Ridge.
‘My favourite all-American hero ever? Jaws. That guy knew his own mind, refused to live on handouts, only ever ate losers, and was a born leader. Tragic they killed him in the end — but then that’s bleeding-heart liberals for you.’
He also expresses a surprising fondness for Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. ‘Norm didn’t just hang around, kow-towing to his nasty, lousy, jealous guests. He took firm and decisive action, and taught them a lesson. My kind of guy!’ he tweets, before announcing that the Bates Motel is now to be rebranded The Trump Plaza Bates International Five Star Motel.