I’m worried I’ll never see my grandson again

NoVELIST, grandmother-of-four and former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis, 60, answers your questions...

QMY SON’S long-term relationship hit trouble 18 months ago. He and his partner never married but they did have a son, my grandson, who is now ten. At first I thought things would be OK, but it wasn’t long before she found a flat and moved out, taking my grandson with her. My son is heartbroken.

Despite their differences and how much they’d been arguing, he’s a brilliant dad and would do anything for his son. And I can’t help but panic, too.

Despite phoning my daughter-in-law, I’ve seen my grandson only twice in the past six months. I used to see him every weekend and we have a very close bond. I haven’t said anything to her, but I’m worried I’m going to lose all contact with him. I miss him so very much. What can I do?

AThe fall out from a couple splitting up is felt by so many people. The two people involved are dealing with a seismic change and, because they’re trying to save themselves, they can seem to forget or ignore the effect it’ s having on everyone else.

Those mos t closely connected, like you, are also reminders of broken promises in the past, broken hearts now and an uncertain future. In all the chaos and change, though, you do all still have each other — and your grandson still has you.

It’s lovely you saw him so regularly until the separation, but your time together then will have been organised through his parents and he’ll need adult help to arrange his timetable now.

It sounds as if it’s his mum who’s in charge. She’d be unusual if she wasn’t wary of your reaction to what’s happened — and as the mother of a son herself, she’ll know how protective you’ll feel of yours.

The first thing to do is reassure her that you’re not taking sides. You have to mean it — however upset you are about your son’s hurt feelings, you can’t let that influence your attitude to her. You’ll have to make it clear you’re reaching out to her as your grandson’s mother, not your son’s partner.

I think writing to her is the best approach. having everything spelled out means she’ll be in no doubt you still care about her and also allows her to react privately to what you say. Ask her advice about the best way forward, rather than telling her what you want.

In the worst- case scenario, if your son’s ex doesn’t enable you to see him easily, keep in touch with your grandson as often as you can, through letters and texts.

It’s not in many boys’ nature to respond, so it may feel like one-way traffic — but at least he’ll know what you’ve been up to, and that you’re thinking of him. It’ll make it much easier for him to contact you later, once he’s old enough to arrange his own diary. When you do get to see him, you’ll have to accept that will often mean arranging things without your son being involved. You want your time with your grandson to be free of his parents’ grievances or gripes.

I advise listening if he wants to talk about what’s happened, but keeping your opinion to yourself. Children, rather blissfully, tend to view both parents equally. If you’ve managed to maintain regular contact with your grandson by then, you’ll be the fixed point for him in a changing world. Allow yourself to grieve, but take reassurance that eventually the relationship you’ll have with him won’t depend on anyone else.