How to be a really pushy parent
As she becomes granny to Andy’s baby girl
A STEELY-EYED tiger mum who never smiles, is too aggressive and too driven — the list of insults lobbed at Judy Murray, 56, used to be hypercritical. That was until her sons Andy and Jamie rose to become tennis royalty. Now, as SARAH EWING discovers, she’s far from the hard-nosed woman she’s been made out to be. Here, Judy reveals what 30 years of parenting has taught her . . .
NEVER THINK YOU’RE SACRIFICING YOUR LIFE
WheN the boys were in their teens and I was trying to make things happen in their tennis careers, there was an enormous amount of pressure on me, but I never, ever, thought of it as a sacrifice.
I wanted them to focus on developing their talent, and I had to take a chance on them succeeding.
I was lucky that my job as a tennis coach allowed the boys to develop their skills, but it also meant a lot of travelling by minibus most weekends all over the country when the boys were younger.
It meant I missed out on a lot of other family things over the years, like weddings and birthdays, but it was just what I had to do to get the best for them.
YOU CAN NEVER SHOW KIDS YOU’RE STRESSED
FOr several years I was spending money all the time and there wasn’t any coming in, as there’s no prize money in the junior leagues. I felt like a human ATM.
There was a great deal of financial stress, but I never let the boys see me worry or be anything but composed and positive.
I had to borrow £30,000 to pay for Andy to go to the elite academy of his choice in Spain, which was more than my annual salary at the time. I was worried whether I’d be able to pay it back, but I didn’t think twice about taking it out.
You have to be like a swan: calm and collected on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath.
Children pick up on much more than you realise, from your body language and facial expressions to your tone of voice. genuine positive reinforcement (not pandering) is much more effective than negativity.
I’ve never told the boys about the financial sacrifices I made — I didn’t want to saddle them with that worry or guilt.
BE PROUD YOU’RE AMBITIOUS FOR THEM
MeN are lauded for being competitive or driven, but women are almost chastised. That must change.
I was at a crowded party a few years ago, and I happened to overhear the group behind talking about me — ‘Did you see Judy Murray come in?’ — and then lots of childish comments about my appearance and how I never smiled.
So I turned around and said: ‘I do actually smile sometimes. I’m actually quite normal.’
The woman was mortified. She had made a snap judgment based on a few photos.
It’s not nice to be on the receiving end of this nonsense, but I’m certainly not going to apologise for my competitive nature. I’ve never driven my children to do something they didn’t want to do. I was simply helping them be the best they could be.
LIGHTEN UP! LET THEM ENJOY THEMSELVES
SOMeTIMeS parents take things too seriously. If they want their children to enjoy themselves, they have to lighten up.
When Jamie and Andy were little, we got them to try every sport, from pre-school gymnastics to ice-skating. And I invented games to play at home. All it takes is a little bit of creativity and imagination. Jamie and Andy used to knock balloons over the sofa in our living room using their hands or cardboard cut-out bats when they were toddlers. Our first ‘tennis court’ was our driveway at home, with two chairs and a piece of rope for the net.
Always start simple and achievable. Build confidence through success and then make the task tougher.
The key to cultivating exceptional talent is to determine the core skills needed and make them second nature from a young age.
ENSURE THEY HAVE GOOD MANNERS
I’ve always been a hard worker and I think it’s good my kids witnessed that from a young age because it’s shown them that the world doesn’t owe you a living. You aren’t entitled to results; you have to graft to get them.
All I’ve ever asked of them is to try their best, even if that means failing.
Their tennis aside, I’m also so proud of them as people because they’re good, thoughtful men who present themselves well and with decorum, something that’s often lacking in a lot of modern sports stars.
NEVER SHOW FEAR — NO MATTER WHAT
The Dunblane school shooting in 1996 [when gunman Thomas hamilton shot dead 16 children and one teacher at the Murray boys’ primary school] was the toughest thing I’ve ever endured.
For four hours I stood outside the school gates with the other parents in shocked silence. I didn’t know if I’d ever see my boys again. Jamie was ten and Andy was eight.
The community really rallied together, the tragedy was so unexpected, and here was this small town under siege by the world’s media.
Nothing ever prepares you for something like that. The teachers had done an incredible job to stay calm and keep the kids occupied until they were able to escape.
Jamie told me afterwards he just thought there were workmen on the roof — he didn’t realise the pops were gunfire ringing out around the school.
The kids were too young to understand the enormity of it all.
As frightened and numb as I was afterwards, I understood this was when I had to step up as a parent and make life as normal as I could for them; to not show my fear.
There was a sadness throughout the town and, yes, they lost friends, but I wanted to show them that the best thing they could do was not to be frozen in time and that life goes on, as hard and as challenging as it can be.
Children are like sponges, they pick up on your vibes, so I made sure I didn’t talk about it in front of them and didn’t have it on the television when they were around.
DON’T FORGET THEY CAN TEACH YOU, TOO
FOr a long time, I was in a position of making decisions on the boys’ behalf — and they taught me not to rush into things and to think before I act.
I’m quite impetuous, and if I see something that needs to be done, I want to do it now. Typical virgo! But I’m a lot more patient these days.
I recently became a grandmother to Sophia [Andy and wife Kim’s first child]. It’s been a long time since my kids were babies and it’s made me realise that life’s short, so I want to spend more time with my family and have a bit more fun.
IT’S OK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS
LOgIC can sometimes fly out the window. A few years ago, I became superstitious after eating a lemon iced doughnut the first day Andy was playing and won, so I then got it in my mind I had to have one before each match. Then he won Wimbledon, so I didn’t dare break the chain!
PUSH THEM OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE
ANDY risked becoming a big fish in a small pond if I hadn’t sent him to Spain at 15. It pushed him to work hard and become a better player against stronger competition.
If I had listened to all the naysayers who told me I was mad sending him there, that a Scottish player would never make it big and I was wasting my time and money, then he would have never reached his potential.
I like challenges, I see them as obstacles to overcome, not to worry about. And I’ve taught my children to think the same.