The other twits I'd love to turn a muck spreader on
Faced with a nobler-than-thou emma Thompson defying a High court injunction to launch an anti-fracking campaign on his land, an irate pig farmer did the needful. In fact, he did what we have all been dying to do for years. He revved up the engine of his muck spreader, turned on his slurry hose and blasted it in the direction of the Oscar-winning actress.
as ripostes go, it was succinct and eloquent. Sadly, none of the pungent manure actually appeared to reach dogooding emma, who is the Greenpeace go-to girl for any headline-seeking initiative, no matter how wrongheaded she or it might be.
However, her fellow demonstrators got a jolly good soaking, so not all was lost.
and it did get me thinking. Where can I buy one of those muck spreader things? For there are plenty of people in public life who deserve a flurry of slurry, a good old dousing of dung, just so they understand exactly where they stand in the public’s affection. We
all know who they are. Here are some of my (least) favourites:
RUSSELL BRAND
Russell does have his fans, but they are all aged 22-and-three-quarters, in the process of dropping out of their event management or graphic design course and trying to lose their virginity.
The glitter-haired faux hippie is their hero, a man who likes to pretend he is a revolutionary, someone who speaks truth to power. The world is rubbish, the apocalypse is a-coming and politicians do nuffink for the poor.
He believes that ‘profit is a filthy word because wherever there is profit, there is also deficit’. Yet the old fraud is worth an estimated £15million, a sum raised by accumulating profit from his career as a comedian and author.
He could do a lot for the poor himself. so, why doesn’t he? Hose him!
STRIKING JUNIOR DOCTORS
FIRST, do no harm. Then scramble to join the first ever all-out strike in the history of the NHs if you don’t get your own way over pay.
The striking junior doctors lost my sympathy a long time ago, but lately their aggrieved air of sufferance has become intolerable.
it’s that uniform look of affronted piety they adopt; the phoney affectation of ‘this hurts me more than it hurts you’, not to mention the air of sanctimony that soaks their picket line like a chloroform pad.
Most of all, i loathe how they have pretended that this highly politicised row is not about money — yeah, right — but is about the future of the NHs.
For a start, it is completely bogus of them to bleat that this is all about patient safety when they are the ones putting lives at risk by walking out.
second, if they love the NHs so much, why do they continually threaten to go and work in the private sector or abroad if they do not get their own way?
Frauds. if they do leave for a more affluent position, they should be made to pay back the money it cost to train them.
in addition, their abuse of Jeremy Hunt is a disgrace, accusing him of ‘failing to listen’ when they really mean he has not caved into their emotional blackmail.
They are professionals who earn a good wage now — and are going to earn a lot more in the future. They should count their blessings instead of baiting the Government. Turn on the bilge pumps!
NICOLA STURGEON
JIMMY KRANKIE, Wee Burney, Miss Nippy sweetie, professional scot, a right pain — call her what you will. The current ruler of that land known as the People’s Republic of sturgeonistan really gets on my wick.
and it’s not just because of the rude, playground way she always refers to David Cameron by his surname, though that does not help.
Naturally, she has been quick to Torybash about the doctors’ strike (see above), even though the NHs in scotland is in an even bigger mess — thanks to her under-spending of the budget by several hundred million pounds over recent years.
There are concerns about hygiene standards and staffing levels in hospitals, which are under intolerable pressure because of their failure to deliver on the promises made on their behalf by the scottish government — and, therefore, by her. Yet what is she going on about this week? The strike.
‘i share the concerns that this dispute is beginning to have a demotivating impact across the whole profession.’
Both barrels, please.
DAVID CAMERON
No, i’M not one of those people who dismiss everything the Prime Minister says and does, but boy, he can be annoying.
one minute he is trying to be Mr leftie Groovy, banging on about diversity and social mobility and sticking a windmill on top of his house.
The next, he is refusing to allow sanctuary to the 3,000 child refugees stranded in France.
Worst of all is when he gets all Flashman in the House. at a moment when you think actually, he’s a pretty decent cove after all, out pops the cloven hoof.
This week, Mr Cameron hit a new low by mocking Nigel Farage for the way he pronounces his name, which the Prime Minister described as ‘rather poncey’ and ‘foreign-sounding’.
Good grief. a minor incident, perhaps, but it speaks volumes.
When is he ever going to grow up and shake off his fourth form hubris? We want a leader who shimmers with integrity and vision, not a class bully.
MICHAEL SHEEN
GRRR! Recently, the Port Talbotborn actor has revealed himself to be the very worst kind of leftie luvvie.
He’s the kind of big Hollywood star who lives in america earning mega-bucks, but feels qualified to parachute into the UK to tell everyone what they should be doing with their money every five minutes.
He’s upbraided Business secretary sajid Javid over the sale of Tata’s steel plants, saying: ‘if you have chosen Chinese money over the UK steel industry, then have the guts to say it.’ Get over yourself, dearie. sheen has also railed against concerns that the Government spends too much on foreign aid — even though it is perfectly legitimate for taxpayers to wonder why this money goes abroad when we have so many problems here.
To this end, Michael has joined the ranks of sanctimonious Bono and rent-a-gob Bob Geldof, who all deserve a good hosing.
MARTIN FREEMAN
JUST because.
‘SIR’ PHILIP GREEN AND HIS WIFE, LADY GREEN
He HAD a duty to protect his workers. instead, Philip Green thought it perfectly fitting to sell off BHs for £1 to an unedifying former bankrupt. This action left staff with bleak job prospects and a black hole in their pension pots. indeed, there are questions as to why the company could afford to pay lady Green more than £400million in dividends, but could not plug the gap when the BHs pension fund plunged into a huge deficit. it’s all perfectly legal, of course, but that doesn’t make it morally right. The Greens have treated themselves to yet another yacht, bought off the honest sweat and the backs of ordinary people. He’s such a Greedy McGreedface. and she is no better. How can these people live with themselves? They deserve a double-barrel dunging.
THE GHASTLY KARDASHIAN WOMEN
THE next time Kimmy (pictured left) and co strip naked on social media, someone — in the interests of decency — should turn the slurry hose on full blast to spare their blushes. Hang on, someone just did. No, hang on again, it’s one of her skin-tight outfits.