Would YOUR sex life survive a mastectomy?
Three couples talk with utter candour. And the real surprise? Men are less bothered than women fear
ONe in eight women in the UK is diagnosed with breast cancer, yet little is heard about the emotional impact of the diagnosis — and the brutal but life-saving surgery that often follows — on the men in their lives.
recently, the partner of TV presenter sian Williams broke the taboo, admitting that he feared sian would feel ‘less of a woman’ following surgery. so here three couples follow his lead and talk candidly about the effect the gruelling treatment has had on their relationships. Phil huckle, 59, runs a gardening business and lives in enfield, North london, with wife Mary, 50, a personal trainer, and their three adult children.
PHIL SAYS: As the nurse started to remove the bandages, I was conscious that my wife’s eyes were on me, ready to gauge my reaction as her post-mastectomy scar was revealed for the first time.
After 29 years together, there’s little you can hide from each other. My wife’s always had a great figure — a bonus of being a personal trainer — so I knew she was dreading this moment.
she was expecting me to look shocked, or repulsed even, that she no longer had a right breast. But the truth is all I felt was relief. For me, what mattered most was that the cancer which threatened to rob me of my wife had been cut away.
Mary, then 41, was very fit. she didn’t drink or smoke and had a healthy diet so it seemed beyond belief when she was diagnosed with cancer in the summer of 2007.
When she discovered a lump in her right breast, Mary was the optimist, convinced it would be nothing sinister. she told me it was nothing to fret about. But the worry kept niggling at me and after two weeks, I finally persuaded her to see our GP — and thank goodness I did as she was referred immediately to our local hospital where she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of oestrogen-receptive breast cancer.
There was no choice but to have the affected breast removed. Thankfully, there was no evidence of cancer in the other breast so there was no suggestion that both should be removed.
Although it was a shock for both of us to see those scars after the three-hour surgery, I never once felt I couldn’t deal with the change or that I couldn’t look at my wife or touch her — she was still the same Mary to me. It took her longer to come to terms with the way she looked though.
Having never been selfconscious about her body, for weeks after she was discharged from hospital she wouldn’t get undressed in front of me, waiting until I’d left our bedroom, or locking herself in the bathroom to get changed.
I worked hard to reassure her, telling her over and over again that she was just as beautiful as she’d ever been.
We resuMed our sex life within a couple of weeks of the surgery, but I could tell Mary was not at one with herself and it took a while for her to lose those inhibitions.
even so, I was relieved when she decided against a reconstruction because I couldn’t bear the thought of her risking an unnecessary operation. We’ve heard some real horror stories about men pressuring their reluctant wives to rebuild their breasts because they can’t handle the way they look following a mastectomy.
I was actually more upset when Mary lost her long black hair during chemo as that was one of the things that first attracted me to her.
It was a blow to both of us, though it didn’t alter my feelings towards her. There have been many low points but I’ve never thought this might destroy our marriage. In fact I think we’re closer than ever.
MARY SAYS: A cancer diagnosis is hard enough to come to terms with, but when I knew I needed a mastectomy my next thought was: ‘I’m going to look like a freak.’
You can hide it beneath clothes but it worried me that Phil would no longer find me attractive — we’ve always had such a healthy love life — so it was such a relief he didn’t recoil when the bandages came off.
Instead he smiled at me and said: ‘You look perfectly fine.’ Although it wasn’t easy, it helped me begin to accept my new figure. I’ve sought reassurance many times since that Phil still finds me attractive, and he always insists that he does.
Although I didn’t want to let that part of our marriage slide, it took a while before I could be intimate without feeling selfconscious. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror, or walk around naked, as I no longer felt feminine or sexy. But Phil was patient.
Now my scar is a reminder of how close I came to losing my life, and how glad I am my husband loves me the way I am.
GreG Smith, 61, an engineer, lives in Woking, Surrey with wife, Jackie, 59, who runs a business teaching phonics to pre-schoolers. they have three grown-up sons. GREG SAYS: After my wife’s diagnosis, it never even crossed my mind to think about the impact her surgery would have on our sex life. My only thoughts were about making sure she made a full recovery.
Like most engineers, I’m very pragmatic, so I went into practical mode. My reaction on hearing the diagnosis was not to throw my arms around Jackie but to ask about treatment processes and timeframes for making her better.
I thought I was helping but my approach has made Jackie tearful at times. She’ll turn to me and say: ‘I don’t want solutions, I just want some sympathy from you!’
Thankfully it hasn’t driven us apart and resuming our love life almost immediately has helped us stay close. Jackie needed her left breast removed in April this year — they managed to save the skin and the nipple which she was pleased about but immediately after the surgery she was horrified to find her damaged breast was so high up it was almost on her shoulder!
It’s dropped closer to her right breast now, although it has never bothered me and certainly doesn’t make Jackie less attractive.
If anything, I love her more and my only thoughts have been about making sure she makes a full recovery.
My mother died of the disease when I was in my early 30s and I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing my beloved wife in the same way.
As Jackie has only just started chemo, perhaps the worst is still to come, for both of us.
We’ve been warned she’s likely to experience mood swings and she’s been dreading losing her hair so there will be times when I have to remember to offer sympathy and affection instead of solutions. But we’re determined to fight this together. JACKIE SAYS: Initially I remember saying that if I had to have cancer somewhere I was glad it was in one of my breasts, a mere appendage. But when it came to the day of the mastectomy I felt bereft. Thankfully, Greg and I have always been very open with each other about our bodies so, although I felt sad, I didn’t feel selfconscious in front of him and we were intimate again quite quickly — sooner than he expected, I think. I wanted to get that side of our relationship back on track as much for him as for me. He’s been under a lot of pressure and making love can provide an important release of stress for men. Strangely, I’ve felt more upset about how he’ll feel when I lose my hair after the chemotherapy as it’s always been my crowning glory. I’ve decided to have my head shaved for a charity that makes wigs for children who lose their hair during the same treatment.
I feel lucky that Greg is so supportive, he’s a very strong man. He just has to be reminded sometimes that a hug can be more powerful than an action plan.’ Keiron mcGovern, 69, is a retired publican who lives in Saffron Walden, essex, with his wife elizabeth, also 69. they have a grown-up son and two grandchildren. KEIRON SAYS: Whilst I appreciate Liz’s breasts were an important part of what made her feel feminine, I can honestly say I didn’t find her any less attractive without them.
When you come so close to losing someone you love as much as I love Liz, you learn to get your priorities right — though it was hard to get that message through to my wife.
Liz was diagnosed with cancer in 2006. First in one breast, which was removed within weeks, then the other, and for the first two years following the mastectomies she was told by her specialist in Yorkshire, where we lived, that she wasn’t a suitable candidate for breast reconstruction (we’re not sure why), so she was left with two scars.
Despite telling her how much I still loved her, Liz was very unhappy about the way she looked.
She couldn’t bring herself to look at the scars after the surgery and for several weeks, she was too selfconscious to undress in front of me, let alone make love. I didn’t want her to feel under any pressure, even though I missed the intimacy and was desperate to show her how attractive she still was to me, and how much I still loved her.
In the end, it was humour, which has always been important in our marriage, which got us over that initial hurdle towards re-establishing intimacy.
One morning, when Liz had begun to seem happier, I knocked on the door when she was in the shower and said: ‘I’m coming in, come on, move over.’
ReSuMInG our sex life did us both good, although Liz continued to feel down about her appearance. When she asks if the cancer has changed how I feel about her, I ask her: ‘Who do you think I love — you or your breasts?’
even so, I knew that Liz was still very self-conscious and so when we moved from Yorkshire to essex and she was told by a nurse that she could have reconstructive surgery on the nHS, two years after her second mastectomy, I supported her decision to do so, because I desperately wanted her to feel better about herself.
unfortunately, the first few operations weren’t successful — she developed sepsis as a result of one which took such a terrible toll that she was unable to even wash her hair or brush her teeth at times.
My wife is stoical by nature but there have been days when she’s been so down one wrong word can set her off crying. To me, the fact that she no longer had breasts did not make her less of a woman, but I knew it meant a lot to Liz — so all I could do was support her through the pain of the treatment to try to rebuild her body.
Watching your wife suffer so much and come so close to death takes its toll and recently I’ve been feeling anxious and finding it hard to sleep. But thankfully Liz is a huge support to me too. ELIZABETH SAYS: Keiron has been brilliant from the moment I called to tell him I had breast cancer.
I’ll never forget his response when I asked him, sobbing, if he still loved me without my breasts. He said: ‘Why would I need them, as long as I’ve got you?’
He knew I felt less of a woman and did everything he could to help me through that. not all men are so supportive.
But I can honestly say that losing my breasts hasn’t altered our relationship one iota — if anything, the diagnosis has made Keiron even more appreciative of me.
After a successful reconstruction on the nHS I’m finally happy with my new breasts.
It’s something I wanted to do for myself, because luckily my husband is happy with me the way I am.