The celebrity party from HELL
Elton and David. Hugh and Jemima. Vernon and Tess. A Kardashian. Assorted love cheats, airheads and egos ... all turned out for tax dodger Jimmy Carr’s bash this week. Imagine, as we do here, being a fly on the wall
LAST Monday night the tax-dodging comedian Jimmy Carr held a party at his North London home with the most diverse and unlikely celebrity guests in attendance. Royalty mingled with trashy reality television stars, while pop luminaries rubbed shoulders with ballroom dancers and disgraced TV presenters. The only thing most had in common was their scandalous pasts and salacious love lives. But what on earth did the guests all talk about? Here, CLAUDIA CONNELL imagines eavesdropping on all the gossip ...
AWKWARD INTRODUCTIONS
JIMMY CARR: Lord and Lady Lloyd Webber, may I introduce you to Miss Kardashian? She’s flown in today from Los Angeles. LORD LLOYD-WEBBER: Hello Kim. My, your bottom looks nowhere near as big as in the photographs. KOURTNEY K: I’m not Kim, I’m her sister Kourtney, with a K. You’re a Lord? Wow. That’s like a king, right? Can I get a selfie? JIMMY: And this is Beatrice, she’s seventh in line to the throne. KOURTNEY K: OMG, there’s a queue? That’s the problem with these British houses — not enough bathrooms. I’ve got seven of them in my house in California. JIMMY: No, Kourtney, she’s not waiting for the toilet. I meant the royal throne. She’s a reallife Princess. PRINCESS BEATRICE: The Queen is my grandmother. KOURTNEY K: Cool. I named my youngest son Reign because we’re, like, America’s royal family. Although we’re not as dysfunctional as you guys. JIMMY: This is Jemima Khan and this is Hugh Grant, he’s in Love Actually. KOURTNEY K: You guys are in love? Awesome. HUGH GRANT: Well, gosh, no… I mean Jems and I used to date but not any more. I’m still awfully fond of her and everything but I’m with Anna this evening and we’re sort of a couple and have kids but then I have two other kids the same age with someone else… it’s complicated. Jem is going out with a rotter of a guy called Matthew Freud. JEMIMA KHAN: No, Hugh. We split up. HUGH: Oh that’s right, you’re with Russell Brand. JEMIMA: No, we split up as well. HUGH: Joey Essex? Harry Styles? Howard from the Halifax adverts? JEMIMA: I’m single! JIMMY: And this is Vernon Kay. VERNON KAY: Hi. Can I borrow your phone?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
ELTON JOHN: Wow, Heston, did you cook all this? It’s delicious. JEMIMA: Is it organic? Low-carb? Responsibly sourced? KOURTNEY K: Awesome. I am, like, so gonna Instagram this. ELTON: David and I keep saying how we must get round to visiting your restaurant. What’s it called again? HESTON BLUMENTHAL: Fat Duck. ELTON: No need for that, I only asked. HESTON: That’s what my restaurant is called, The Fat Duck. I’ve got three Michelin stars and I’m famous for my liquid nitrogen sorbet and snail porridge. JEREMY CLARKSON: What a load of old rubbish. I’m a steak man. I go to a restaurant to eat my dinner, not get a bloody science lesson. SUE PERKINS: Do you bake, Kourtney? Do you know what a soggy bottom is? KOURTNEY K: What Kim gets when she sits on a wet bench? VERNON: No waiting jobs going, are there, Heston? Work seems to have dried up a bit lately. HESTON: I’ll look into it and get back to you. What’s your mobile number? TESS DALY: Vernon no longer has a phone, do you Vernon? VERNON: Probably best if you email…
BRINGING UP BABIES
HUGH: So exhausting being a dad, isn’t it? At what age did the tantrum stage end with yours, David? DAVID FURNISH: About 62. He naps during the day now, which really helps with the grumpiness. TESS: We’re looking for a new nanny, if any of you know of anyone... FURNISH: What are your criteria? TESS: Old, unattractive, obese, flatchested, doesn’t speak English and doesn’t know how to text. Other than that, I’m pretty open to suggestions.
TAKING A BREAK
JEMIMA: Bea, any holidays planned? BEATRICE: No, not really. Just the South of France later this month, then Italy in July, Greek islands in September, Caribbean in October and South Africa in December… and then the ski season starts. JEMIMA: Don’t work mind you taking all that time off? BEATRICE: Oh. Don’t know. I’ve never asked! DAVID WALLIAMS: You’re just back from Marbella, aren’t you, Hugh? JEMIMA: I loathe Marbella. So tacky. Full of girls with giant, inflatable breasts strutting around in string bikinis. VERNON: Where did you stay, Hugh?
WORK-LIFE BALANCE
LLOYD WEBBER: How’s the new job going, Beatrice? BEATRICE: It’s in finance. Complete yawn-fest, I want to do something more exciting. LLOYD WEBBER: There’s a job going at my theatre company, The Really Useful Group. And you couldn’t be any more useless than your uncle Edward! He couldn’t even make a decent cup of tea. BEATRICE: What’s the holiday allowance? LLOYD WEBBER: Twenty days. BEATRICE: Per month? LLOYD WEBBER: Per year. BEATRICE: Think I’ll pass. PASHA KOVALEV: Not long until the next series of Strictly, Tess. Wonder who we’ll get taking part this year? TESS: The usual bunch of saddos and fading stars in desperate need of a career revival. Have they asked you yet, Hugh? WALLIAMS: I’m at a loose end now Britain’s Got Talent has finished. BEATRICE: Who won this year? WALLIAMS: A magician. He was amazing. Made things just totally disappear into thin air. JIMMY: Does he do accounts?
HOT PROPERTIES
JIMMY: I hear you’re house-hunting in London, Anna. ANNA EBERSTEIN: That’s right. I’m moving here full-time from Sweden so Hugh and I can live together. HUGH: Absolutely. My bachelor days are over. I want to be like any other normal, family man — who can’t commit and has a second family living across town. JIMMY: A friend of mine is selling a fabulous house in King’s Cross. I can give you his details. HUGH: King’s Cross? I’ll say… JIMMY: They’ve really cleaned the area up now. It’s nothing like the seedy redlight district it used to be. HUGH: Second thoughts, we’ll probably stick to Chelsea. ELTON: That’s a shame, I’ve just sold a flat there — you could have had that. JEMIMA: Why did you sell, Elton? ELTON: Oh, you know what it’s like when you get older. You just want to downsize and live a simpler life. JIMMY: So you just have the one house now? ELTON: Yes, just the one. In London, that is. Then another two in LA, one in Atlanta, a little chateau in the South of France, our main home in Windsor and an apartment in Venice. VERNON: Shout if you need any painting or decorating doing.
KEEPING FIT
HUGH: What does everyone do to stay in shape? I’ve really piled on the old timber over the past few months and need to get rid of the love handles and moobs. TESS: Zumba and Pilates does it for me. PASHA: Strictly keeps me fit. I must practise ballroom dancing for about eight hours a day. RACHEL RILEY: I’ve got a rowing machine, treadmill and cross-trainer at home. JIMMY: And would they all be tax-deductible? KOURTNEY K: Make sure you upload pictures of your workout on Instagram. People totally love that. I’ve got 41 million followers just from, like, posting photos of my abs and thigh gap. VERNON: You can borrow some of my exercise DVDs if you like. I’ve got loads at home: Gwyneth Paltrow, Cindy Crawford, Katie Price, Elle Macpherson, all those TOWIE girls… WALLIAMS: Swimming is the best exercise. I swam the English Channel and the entire length of the Thames for charity. CLARKSON: You’re amazing, David. I don’t know where you get the energy. I’d struggle to swim the length of a swimming pool. ELTON: I’d struggle to swim the length of a paddling pool!
EU REFERENDUM
ELTON: So, David, are you in or out? WALLIAMS: Look, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to but I’m straight, ok? I used to be married to a supermodel. FURNISH: He’s talking about the EU referendum, David. Elton is voting out but I’m voting in — I’m worried it will affect trade. JIMMY: So hard to know what to do. Will voting out mean easyJet fares to Monaco go up? A friend was asking… JEMIMA: That reminds me, Jimmy, I thought I spotted you in Monaco when I was there for the Grand Prix... going into a bank. JIMMY: Must have been a lookalike. RACHEL RILEY: I’m hooked on the EU opinion polls and analysing the percentages and swing vote potential. I love crunching numbers. JIMMY: Don’t do accounts, do you? RACHEL: How will you vote, Lord Lloyd-Webber? LLOYD WEBBER: Voting gets me in trouble. Look at all that fuss when I jetted in first class from New York to vote in the Lords in favour of cutting tax credits for the working poor. JIMMY: Tax cuts? Count me in!