Silly accents! Fake tans! We’ll miss the ridiculous Musketeers

When appearing in a drama set in another country, the question of whether or not to affect an accent must be a troubling one for an actor.

The majority of the cast in The Musketeers (BBC1) have decided to stick with their natural speech patterns. So it was that, in last night’s episode, we had a tavern owner with a northern Irish accent, a government official with a Yorkshire twang and a Mancunian baddie — all living in 17th-century Paris.

It was only Rupert everett, as the dastardly Governor Feron, who attempted to sound French. The slight problem was that he didn’t do it all the time and, when he did, he sounded more like the bungling policeman from ’Allo ’Allo! rather than an evil aristocrat.

Anyone who seeks historical accuracy in their period dramas must have to watch this show through their fingers. With their perfectly groomed goatee beards and fake tans, The Musketeers look like Calvin Klein underpants models, while the women all have plucked eyebrows, manicured nails and push-up bras.

Last night The Musketeers were tasked with delivering the King’s exiled brother Gaston to him. Before they could do so, Gaston was set upon and robbed of the letters he was carrying that contained details of a plot to raise an army and seize the throne.

What Gaston didn’t know was that the King was dying from the white plague and he really didn’t have to bother.

The rest of the episode was devoted to The Musketeers’ tracking down the mysterious letter thief and discovering who Gaston’s fellow traitors were. After one kidnapping, four sword fights and two swooning maidens, they saved the day.

Meanwhile, the ladies of the court were discussing whether to have babies and how the infants might impact on their lives. The dialogue throughout was hammy and came straight out of a pantomime.

‘now we’ll see what you Musketeers are really made of,’ said one of their adversaries.

‘We never walk away from a fight,’ hissed Musketeer Porthos.

One thing they will be walking away from is another series. This, the third, is to be the last. The Musketeers is a show the BBC appeared to have lost faith in a long time ago, having constantly messed with its scheduling.

It’s a shame because as daft and unintentionally amusing as it is, when it comes to fun, escapist, glamorous TV, it can’t be beaten.

‘Glamorous’ and ‘fun’ are not two words I’d ever associate with The Great British Sewing Bee (BBC2). As hard as Claudia Winkleman may try, there really is no way of making sewing a seam exciting.

Last night was the quarter finals and, if Claudia was to believed, the nation was on the edge of its seat, the contestants were in meltdown and the judges were tortured over their decisions.

In reality, the contestants seemed calm, bordering on bored, as did the two judges, while most of the audience were probably making a cup of tea. The quarter-final challenges centred on leisure wear, with contestants asked to make a yoga outfit and a cycling top.

‘Are you finding this fun?’ Claudia asked contestant Joyce.

‘no. Why would I?’ replied Joyce. I knew exactly how she felt.

The nearest we came to drama was when the sewers got to grips with a cover stitch machine.

The BBC has thrown everything at Sewing Bee in order to make it the needle-and-thread equivalent of The Great British Bake Off.

Stern seamstress and judge esme Young is morphing into Mary Berry before our very eyes. She even pronounces ‘layers’ as ‘lairs’ in the same way Mary does.

But, sadly, it is nigh on impossible to make gripping entertainment out of whether or not a pair of yoga pants have been double hemmed.

After watching an episode of Bake Off, the viewer feels inspired enough to make their own version of whatever cake was featured.

Does anyone watch The Great British Sewing Bee and feel compelled to run up a Lycra crop top?

Christopher Stevens is away.