I long for children with my invalid fiance
DEAR BEL AT 42 I have met a lovely man (51) and after just over six months he has told me he loves me and would like to marry me. I believe his sincerity and love him also.
My worry is that he is very ill (details given but omitted on request) and has been in hospital for almost all our six months. He was a civil servant but lost his job through his poor health.
Three things worry me. First, I would like children and he is OK with this, but has a one-bedroom council flat. Due to my age I know I may not conceive naturally and would like to adopt. However, I know social services would say we don’t have enough space and council houses are hard to come by for us to move.
I work but my job is low paid after being made redundant last year and I’m also fearful that we would be denied adoption due to his disability.
Second, I’m worried about what would happen to me should he pass away. Would the council evict me immediately? I am living with my parents because my dad was ill and asked me to move back from my
This is one of the hardest letters to deal with that i’ve ever read. Full of sympathy for your terrible dilemma, i fear that you may be a bit upset by my reply but, hating that thought, i need to be honest.
You gave as your subject line the question, ‘Can love conquer all?’ so that’s a good place to start.
My considered answer is: No — not usually.
Of course it depends on the problems, but in your case there are three or four huge ones so huge that (to cut to the chase) i think it would be unwise to rush into marriage after a stressful six-month acquaintanceship.
The time frame in itself is no barrier to blissful happiness, but six months of serious illness cannot facilitate the ‘normal’ development of a relationship.
This is not to say your love is doomed to fail.
Many people have fallen for a rented room. But should I move in to the new home and then lose it, I don’t think Mum and Dad would allow me to move back in with them.
Third, I wonder how I can best handle the lonely times when we are apart. I love him and I would like us to marry to be together. (We are Christians so cannot just live together.)
I would like to be there for him. He’s a really precious person but I’m scared that I may render myself childless and I could not bear that.
I know many would consider me silly as he cannot offer me much materially and I am not so much attracted to him for his looks but for his personality and how I feel when I’m with him — safe and secure and happy. Currently I’m trying to get a second job to help pay the bills once married.
Do you think six months is long enough to know someone to marry? I don’t want to delay being with him with his life being so perilous.
He’s a great, kind, thoughtful guy and all my family like him. What are your thoughts? MARY partner with serious health problems (as well as financial ones), taken them on and managed to create a happy life together, even if it proves sadly to be short.
But in order to make this work, you would have to give the relationship 100 per cent.
so now we must factor in your desire to have a child at 42.
As you rightly say, the adoption hurdle would be a huge one to face, even if your friend had a much bigger council flat.
it is not for me (in no way an expert) to speculate on what might or might not happen re social services.
i simply want you to think hard about informing a very sick man you have known for such a short time that you will marry him but want to start the enormously complex business of seeking to adopt a little human being in desperate need of stability, who could even have emotional problems that emerge in time.
i must tell you — hand on heart — that i do not think this would be wise. You say you are ‘scared that i
may render myself childless’ — but surely the truth is that you are childless?
I do sympathise, but given your circumstances, shouldn’t you try your best to come to terms with that painful fact?
The man you love is clearly in no position to accept extra burdens on his life.
What he needs is a loving partner to look after him and to make what time he has left on earth as happy as possible. This is your choice. As I see it, the ‘package’ of marriage to this man who needs you and an adopted child is highly unlikely to happen.
Surely you have to be realistic — and perhaps think of other ways in which you could become involved with children.
Do you know people who need a babysitter, for example?
But even with that you have to consider how much time you will actually have free if you are married to an invalid.
You are about to take on a second job and you have elderly parents who will have views about your actions (since you live in their house) and may well make their own demands in time.
The Citizens Advice Bureau could give you guidance on your likely status with the council flat were you to be married (surely you could keep it?). But again, you have to take some deep breaths and consider whether you are strong enough to tackle this multiplicity of problems.
And — a key question — do you really want to?
You have met a man who has wonderful qualities and makes you feel ‘safe and secure and happy’.
That, in spite of all the agonising you have laid out.
I wish you strength to make the right decision.