Johnson for leader (no, the other one)

The enormity of the sacrifice Michael Gove has made by offering himself as our next Prime Minister must never be forgotten.

thanks to his selfless bravery, the tories get to choose between the backstabby one (Gove), the gay marriagehating one who looks like a worried werewolf (Crabb), the one that reads your emails (May) and the Ukip ones (Fox and Leadsom). Right now, Cameron must seem like a political giant.

However, if Mr Gove can manfully overcome his reluctance and bid for power, then perhaps former postman Alan Johnson can also be persuaded to deliver Labour out of its awkward, unelectable postcode.

even Kezia finds it impossible to support Jeremy Corbyn any more, whereas Johnson has the background and ability to relate to party members as well as voters.

Unfortunately for Labour, the former Home secretary keeps insisting that he has ‘never had the ambition or the appetite’ to lead his party. Unlike Gove, he seems to mean it too, so perhaps someone should make him the new Labour leader when he’s not looking.

What we need is a secret santa:

‘What’s this; a present? You shouldn’t have; is it socks, or another slightly tight floral shirt for this Week?’

‘surprise, Alan! We’ve made a cake too. And no, you can’t swap the leadership for something else, like new strings for your guitar.’

‘Nooooh. I should have guessed this was a trap. It’s JULY.’