Eugenie: My 26 years here on Planet Sponge

WHAt does princess eugenie want from us? Acceptance, respect — perhaps even love?

to this end, she appears on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar magazine this month and is described inside as a ‘spirited, art-loving young royal’.

Yes, agreed. this underwhelming account of her achievements to date is not much to show for eugenie’s 26 years on planet sponge; a time in which every privilege possible has been showered upon her unremarkable shoulders and which she has exploited to little effect.

the accompanying interview reveals that she works in an art gallery, she likes a salad for lunch, she goes to parties, she struggles to wear high heels.

‘i look at people wearing heels in movies and i’m like, “How do they do that?” ’

How indeed, but try putting one foot in front of the other and just, like, going for it.

she also calls her mother ‘Mumsy’. For this alone, eugenie should be sent to the tower, but i accept there is scant hope of that ever happening.

photographed in the Royal Lodge in Windsor Great park, eugenie is wearing a £7,600 dress and lashings of make-up. she looks lovely of course, but what is the point of it all? Revealing the details of her working day at the Hauser & Wirth gallery in London, eugenie does nothing to dispel the notion that she is a pampered royal who has done and said nothing of note.

she doesn’t seem to think it strange that her employers allow her to leave at 5pm every day for ‘engagements and charity events’.

‘i also try to support Granny and Grandpa in any way i can because that is what family is for,’ she says.

poor deluded little princess. Who is going to point out that the Queen and the Duke of edinburgh manage just fine without her, thanks all the same.