No gold in America’s sprint for the White House...

When the Olympics ends this weekend, I’m going to miss baffled late-night conversations on the Synnot Towers sofa about events such as the dressage competitions.

‘I’ve just realised I’m a worse dancer than a British horse.’

‘Is it really kicking up its fetlocks to the theme from Feed The World? I think all dressage horses should do their picky hoof prances to the theme from The Archers.’

‘Agreed. Anyway, why is the commentator talking about a piaffe?’ ‘Maybe it’s rice?’ ‘no, you’re thinking of edith Pilau.’ And so on. The BBC has already coined a word for the bemused discussions that are going on about the Rio Olympics: Copacabanter.

‘Ah,’ breathed Scottish commentator Andrew Cotter, as the cameras panned over Rio baking athletes in 95f (35c) heat. ‘Like a sunny day in Millport.’

Admittedly, sometimes the punditry has gone over my head. I listened carefully to the explanation of the keirin cycling but it still sounds like when someone explains fourth cousins, and looks like grandmother’s footsteps on wheels.

Sometimes the chat got a bit grating. Somehow, whatever the subject or scenario, Denise Lewis contrived to manufacture an anecdote about it happening to her.

And sometimes the comments bypassed my head altogether. When Tom Daley and his synchronised pal stepped up for their final go in the teenypants diving competition, Leon Taylor gravely noted that ‘they need to find something deep at the bottom of their toybox’. All over the country, viewers tried very hard not to look at the toybox.

Usually, I resent wall-to-wall sports coverage, but the BBC and Brazil have got me hooked. Admittedly, the other channels haven’t put up much of a fight against hazel Irvine or Sir Chris hoy – STV dug deep on Friday night and gave us A Fish Called Wanda, as fresh as 1988-yearold paint.

Initially, I may have been drawn in by a trailer promising that we might see an anteater throw a hammer. But I stayed for the opening ceremony that showcased a ballet about microbes and a first glimpse of Stella McCartney’s Team GB T-shirts – a combination of the logo for Charlie’s Angels and a violent nosebleed.

Only Australia has a worse set of athletic uniforms. When their rowers took to the medal podium in shapeless light blue tracksuits, they looked like they’d just scrubbed up to perform keyhole surgery.

There have been all sorts of charges against the Olympics Games – corruption, doping and, most recently, sexist remarks from sportscasters. Then again, the Olympics has always been an amazing example of classism, inequality, racism, ageism, wealth-flaunting, and dodgy money sources.

none of this can overshadow the fact an Olympian can be a 13-yearold swimmer but also a 61-year-old equestrian. Olympians can be hulks or waifs, wealthy but also impoverished refugees, and all of them amazing examples of what the body can achieve, both mentally and physically.

even the hubristic displays of chest-bursting nationalism can be tempered. After all, the US has track stars, gymnastic wonders and turbocharged swimmers such as Mike Phelps and has won more than 1,000 gold medals since the modern Olympics began.

Yet it still can’t field two decent candidates to run for president.