AN INSPECTOR CALLS
His mission: To test hotel hospitality to the limit
FRIENDS of mine always stay at The Windmill on Clapham Common when visiting London.
They bang on about it a lot, saying it’s far cheaper than a hotel in the centre and how the Northern Line gives them easy access to the rest of the capital.
It’s a Young’s pub dating back to 1665, with 42 rooms, just off the south-east side of the 200-acre common. The hotel part is round the back, where arriving in reception is dispiriting. It’s poky, dark, airless.
First impressions are important. Here, the floor at the reception can’t have seen a vacuum for months. Walking to my room is no more encouraging. Sweet wrappers line the stained carpet and many of the doors are battered.
I am in Room 36, but I couldn’t find it at first because the signage is all out of kilter. But, to my surprise, the room itself is pleasing. I like the tongue-and-groove wood panelling in powder blue, the hanging jam-jar lighting, the digital radio, the espresso machine, the comfortable bed with plump duvet and pillows.
Then it’s time for an ale and a snoop downstairs. It’s massive. There are two separate bars and several rooms in which to eat and drink, plus a more formal dining room.
Then, there’s the outside, with a burger shack in one corner, alfresco dining in another. Runners and fitness-class groups pop in for deserved refreshment. It’s all resolutely informal, scruffy even.
Most of the main courses (burgers, pie of the day, fish and chips) come in at under £15. My ‘market salad’ featuring butternut squash, beetroot, quinoa and piles of lettuce is desperately dull — but breakfast next morning is worse.
First, I am shown to a dark corner in what’s called The Dome. Then I’m told the coffee machine is never on at this time of the morning — so it’s watery filter coffee or nothing.
I order the The Royal Bagel (smoked salmon and scrambled egg in a toasted bagel) and it’s a disaster. The egg is like a cake waiting to be sliced. It’s powdery, most likely made the night before and heated up. I need to speak with my friends. Is it me or is it them? The Windmill Clapham Common South Side London SW4 9DE (windmillclapham.co.uk; 020 8673 4578) Doubles from £149 b&b