THE CLASSIC LINES WE’LL NEVER FORGET

JIM HACKER, after the Home Secretary is arrested for drinkdriving causing a nuclear waste lorry to crash: ‘He’ll have to resign.’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘Alas, yes.’

HACKER: ‘What on earth will happen to him?’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord, so after a discreet interval, they’ll probably make him one.’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘Politicians like to panic, they need activity. It’s their substitute for achievement.’

JIM HACKER: ‘What’s an official reply, Bernard?’

BERNARD WOOLLEY: ‘It just says “The

Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter”, and we say something like “the matter is under consideration”, or even if we feel so inclined “under active consideration”.’

HACKER: ‘What’s the difference?’

BERNARD: ‘Well, “under consideration” means we’ve lost the file, “under active consideration” means we’re trying to find it.’

BERNARD: ‘It used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of Ministers: one sort that folds up instantly, the other sort goes round and round in circles.’

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST: ‘There is nothing special about man, Mr Hacker. We’re not above nature. We’re all part of it. Men are animals, too, you know.’

HACKER: ‘I know that, I’ve just come from the House of Commons.’

HACKER: ‘Who else is in this department?’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘Briefly, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Bernard is your Principal Private Secretary, I have a Principal Private Secretary and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, 87 Under Secretaries and 219 Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretary are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will appoint two Parliamentary Under Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.’

HACKER: ‘Do they all type?’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘No. Mrs McKylie types. She’s the secretary.’

HACKER: ‘The Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; the Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who do run the country; the Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; the Financial Times is read by people who own the country; the Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.’

SIR HUMPHREY: ‘What about The Sun?’ BERNARD: ‘Sun readers don’t care who runs the country, as long as she’s got big t**s.’

HACKER: ‘Honesty always gives you the advantage of surprise in the Commons.’

BERNARD explains abbreviations for various Foreign Office honours: ‘Of course, in the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God.’

HACKER: ‘What about GCMG?’

BERNARD: ‘God Calls Me God.’