AFTER YEARS OF MISERY, I’M FEELING ON TOP OF THE WORLD
EVIE is the reason I wanted to come off my pills. I didn’t want to be depressed and sad around her, but the pills seemed the only option.
I’ve suffered from depression since the age of 15. I’d sit and cry and began self-harming. I gave up all the things I’d enjoyed — it was all too much.
When I was 17, a GP referred me for counselling. I had four sessions. Then I was prescribed Prozac,
which initially helped but left me feeling emotionally numb. I told my GP I was feeling worse and she just increased the dose.
Over the next few years I was on and off anti-depressants. On my worst days, I just wanted to sit in a dark room. I managed to keep working but that was about it. I avoided all socialising.
Four years ago, my father’s suicide plunged me into even deeper depression. My brother Ben was also battling his own depression and I didn’t want to go the same way, so I went back to my GP. This time I was prescribed another antidepressant, citalopram, but there was no improvement.
When I became pregnant with Evie, though, I stopped taking them overnight. For the first time in years, I felt happy and optimistic.
Then Ben died from an overdose and within six months of Evie’s birth the old feelings returned and I was back on citalopram. By the start of this year, I was on a really high dose.
When I met Dr Chris, he asked me about things I used to enjoy and I said I’d always loved swimming. He took me to Portsmouth University — not saying why.
When we got there, he explained swimming in very cold water (10c or below) could help depression. The shock of the very cold water causes stress hormones to flood your system, but the after-effect is elation. I hate cold water but agreed to be dunked in a tank at the research laboratory.
The water was so cold I started hyperventilating. It was also very emotional and I broke down after the second immersion. Afterwards, though, I felt exhilarated.
Next, I agreed to swim in a freezing cold lake in March with an outdoor swimming club. Within a minute or two I felt calmer and ended up swimming for 20 minutes. I didn’t want to come out.
I felt on top of the world afterwards. I was hooked.
I carried on with the lake swim once a week and also took cold baths at home. My citalopram was tapered down and I’ve now been off all my medication for a month.
I still have my ups and downs but I deal with them by swimming. It’s changed my attitude to everything. I’ve been to toddler groups with Evie — something I couldn’t have contemplated six months ago.
Swimming and socialising have helped me more than pills ever did.