Why ARE chaps so pathetic at buying presents?
Once upon a time, I knew a gentleman who loved his wife very much. not long after they got married, he bought her a cheese grater for christmas.
It was a very nice cheese grater — one of those expensive, designer types — but a cheese grater nonetheless. The woman, it’s fair to say, was less than thrilled.
This baffled the man. After all, their existing cheese grater was old and worn. And, since she was an excellent cook, often of cheesebased delicacies (of which he was extremely fond), he thought he had found the perfect gift. He had not.
Men, listen carefully. A cheese grater — or any sort of domestic appliance (unless specifically requested) — is not a present. nor is an electric blanket, a giant stuffed penguin with the discount price-tag attached, a free promotional lighter or an opened jar of marmalade.
All of the above are genuine gifts to users of parenting website Mumsnet from their errant partners. The list emerged online after one woman wrote a furious post about receiving a ‘small bag of Thorntons chocolates’ for her birthday. Her partner hadn’t even bothered to wrap them.
So JUST why is it that men are so spectacularly useless when it comes to presents? I have one friend who deliberately fails to remind her husband of her birthday (he’s not the sort to remember spontaneously) because she can’t face yet again having to rearrange her grimace into a smile of joy. Another simply emails a series of shopping links, along with a list of sizes and serial numbers.
one common gift gaffe is the man who uses his wife’s birthday as a way of buying things he wants. An exciting ride-on lawnmower or flatscreen TV. one of those fancy wallmounted bottle openers. A pinball machine (my dad bought one of these once, allegedly for my mum).
Then there’s the ‘unconscious projection of desires’ — gifts bought for the woman he secretly wishes you were. I’m talking ‘sexy’ underwear two sizes too small; the high heels that murder your bunions; the diaphanous frock that looked beautiful on the model, but makes you look like Will carling in drag.
But perhaps the worst are the ‘useful’ presents, like that cheese grater. Things you actually need, but sure as hell don’t want giftwrapped. A pair of wellies; vouchers for your local leg-waxing salon. Undeniably thoughtful, never OK.
of course, it’s not that the men mess up deliberately. Indeed, they often try very hard with their giftgiving (those are the worst: when you know he’s put his heart and soul into it and still got it wrong).
It’s just that choosing the right present requires empathy — not most chaps’ forte. Unless you can forget about your own needs and desires for at least five minutes (no man has ever attempted this without sustaining a serious brain injury), you’ll never get it right.
There’s another problem, too: men loathe shopping and approach it with SAS-style ruthlessness. Get in there quick, do the job, get out.
Thus a man heading for the sock department of Marks & Spencer will not be distracted by homewares or stationery. He will not pick up a nice candle on the way to the till. He will buy socks, and socks alone.
Women, meanwhile, get sidetracked by all sorts of interesting looking enticements, which is why you’ll often find us starting our christmas shopping in the summer sales.
This must surely hark back to our days as hunter-gatherer tribes. Males would hunt, females gather — and so it remains. That’s why I’ve never met a man who keeps a present drawer. Like childbirth or putting down the loo seat, such things are not in their nature.
And so we’ll just have to find it in our hearts to forgive the Thorntons chocolates. While, of course, using it as ruthless leverage against a new pair of shoes . . .