Scottish Daily Mail

Americans will need their baying mob of imbeciles

PETER WILLETT, a drama teacher and brother of Masters champion Danny, wrote…

- Extract taken from the National Club

The Ryder Cup is my favourite event on the golfing calendar. It is three days of relentless distractio­n from the usual toil of planning lessons, marking work, and weeping silently. From the first tee to the final putt, it all matters. It matters so much that an uncomforta­ble, anti-American sentiment has started to bubble deep inside. So, after the captains have picked their pairs, and the players have exerted their influence over each other (for better or worse), it is the crowd that will have the biggest impact. Team USA have only won five of the last 16 Ryder Cups. Four of those five victories have come on home soil. For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. They only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling

group of reprobates. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up. They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling irritants, stuffed on cookie dough, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red. They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperatel­y gripping their concealed-carry compensato­rs and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin. They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated exwives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society. Team Europe need to silence these cretins quickly.

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