Holy gussets! The fashion police are after our tights

WITh the first week of October almost over, fashionistas are busy telling us what we should be wearing to transition into autumn.

hot trends include sheepskin; military coats; something Vogue calls the ‘eighties schoolgirl look’ (oh God); jumbo earrings, including giant safety pins (again?); sequins, the ‘new’ velvet, ski pants and fluffy shoes. I am afraid to inform you that the latter are daggerheeled cocktail shoes and not your actual slippers, so don’t plan on going out in them to a party. Again.

Worst of all is their traditional, annual imprecation that opaque tights are over, over, over and we must embrace sheer tights or bare legs. They say this every year — and the good women of Britain keep ignoring them. With November on the horizon, it’s 50 denier or die, darling.

Never mind that Sienna Miller and Kate Moss have all worn sheers for swanky events. They’ve got doortodoor limos, yearround tans and great legs. For everyone else, it’s Nora Batty time once more.

P.S. Just had a flashback to my teens, when our geography teacher coached us with a ditty to remember the difference between stalagmites and stalactites. ‘Remember, girls. The tights come down,’ he would roar.

holy gussets, Batman. he’d be arrested today, even though it was innocent. And thanks to him, should I ever be stuck in a cave, I’ll be able to have a knowledgeable conversation about mineral formations.