If you have been burgled, don’t call us ...

All our officers are engaged watching Pointless in the canteen

Police in leicestershire are making a determined dash for the supreme prize in this year’s prestigious Mind How You Go Awards. Readers will remember that these are handed out to police forces which display outstanding stupidity, bloody-mindedness and dereliction of duty.

No one is likely to catch the outgoing Met commissioner Bernard HyphenHowe, who has been nominated for a special lifetime Achievement Award — in recognition of his exemplary mishandling of the Paedos in High Places fiasco and deranged witch-hunts against innocent journalists and ageing celebrities falsely accused of ‘historic’ sex abuse.

But there are still a number of glittering prizes up for grabs.

leicestershire put down a marker earlier this year when they announced they would only investigate burglaries at homes with even, but not odd, numbers.

Now they’ve gone a step further by declaring that they will not attend breakins where householders are suspected of leaving doors or windows unlocked.

Assistant chief constable Phil Kay said burglary victims had only themselves to blame if they failed properly to secure their properties. He compared them to obese patients being refused NHS treatment because they were too fat.

correct me if i’m wrong, but i thought we’d gone beyond the ‘victim blaming’ game. Perhaps Acc Kay should try refusing to investigate alleged rapes on the grounds that the woman was wearing a short skirt and was therefore ‘asking for it’.

let’s see how far that gets him, before the monstrous regiment of Millie Tants strings him up by the unmentionables from the nearest ccTV camera.

But then rape, quite rightly, remains a serious offence — unlike burglary, which police have been downgrading for years to the point where it’s barely considered a crime at all any more.

For as long as i can remember, i’ve been drawing attention to what these days is known fashionably as the ‘disconnect’ between the old Bill and the people they are paid to protect.

Not that i hold responsible the dwindling number of brave officers on the front line. They are only obeying perverse policies laid down by the modern army of social workers and professional politicians masquerading as senior police chiefs.

Ask the average taxpayer what they want from the police and they’ll tell you: bobbies on the beat, an accessible local police station and routine traffic patrols to catch dangerous drivers — not more speed cameras set to nick anyone creeping a few miles an hour over the limit.

But ask one of the new breed of chief constables and they’ll inform you condescendingly that quaint kind of policing went out with Dixon of Dock Green.

THeiR exciting new priorities are perceived ‘hate crimes’; trawling the internet for anyone making ‘inappropriate’ comments; and treating every minor road accident as a ‘crime scene’ requiring motorways to be shut in both directions for hours on end — and to hell with the inconvenience caused to anyone trying to go about their lawful daily business.

After the police started the wholesale closure of local nicks and withdrawing from the streets, more people began to use the 999 emergency service.

So the old Bill introduced a nonemergency 101 number. Fair enough, i suppose. We don’t want people reporting missing cats getting in the way of genuine emergencies. But, needless to say, this has turned out to be worse than useless.

Figures just released show callers to the Met’s 101 line are routinely left hanging on for up to an hour. last year alone, almost 70,000 calls were abandoned without being answered. in the interests of research — and so that you don’t have to — i dialled 101 yesterday . . . THANK you for calling 101. calls are recorded for training purposes. For Arabic, press 1. For Farsi, press 2. For Scribble, press 3. if you wish to speak to somebody in english, please hang up and dial the Nick Ferrari show on lBc radio.

Hello?

Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. All our operators are located in calcutta, pretending to be in london. You are being held in a queue. Your current wait time is — Sixty — minutes. Please continue to hold.

Hello?

Did you know you can now report a crime on our website, www.iplod. com? All our operators are currently busy, searching the world wide web for incidents of transphobia. if you wish to report a transphobic incident, press 1 and your call will be answered immediately. if not, please continue to hold and your call will be answered in — FiftyNine — minutes.

Hello?

if you are ringing from the Jungle refugee camp at calais, press 1. To arrange a lift from Toddington Services to the immigration centre at croydon, please hold and a police escort will be with you shortly. For legal aid, press 2. For welfare benefits, press 3.

Hello?

Thank you for holding. Your call will be answered in — Fifty-Eight — minutes. if you once attended a recording of Top of The Pops in 1974 and think there might be a drink in it for you, press 1. if you ever saw Jim’ll Fix it on television and claim to have been traumatised for life, press 2. if you were sexually assaulted by Field Marshal Montgomery before the Battle of el Alamein, press 3. Hello? if you claim to have been castrated by Sir Winston churchill during a drunken orgy in the cabinet War Rooms in 1943, please press 3 and ask for Fat Pat. All claims of historic sexual assault will be treated as credible and true.

Hello?

All our operators are currently busy, dealing with people who claim to be victims of cultural appropriation. if you are Mexican and have just spotted a white university student wearing a sombrero, please press Uno and you will be put though to our hate crimes command.

Hello?

Thank you for holding. if you are ringing to report a burglary, please take a moment to complete our survey. if you live in a house with an even number, press 1 and we’ll see if we can send someone round three weeks on Tuesday. if you live in a house with an odd number, tough.

Hello?

if you left a window open, press 1. if you left the door ajar while you watered the roses, press 2. Frankly, it serves you right. What do you expect us to do about it? All our officers are currently engaged, watching Pointless in the canteen.

Hello?

if your car has been stolen, why are you calling us? it’s your own stupid fault for leaving it unlocked. All our officers are busy gawping at ccTV screens, or filling in diversity forms and claims for racial and sexual discrimination. if you want a note for the insurance, press 2. For victim counselling, press 3.

Hello?

You still there? Haven’t you got anything better to do? Your current wait time is — SeventyFive — minutes.

Seventy-Five? It was Fifty-Eight ten minutes ago.

Thank you for holding. Your call is being recorded just in case you say something inappropriate, which could lead to you being arrested and your home being ransacked by 20 police officers. if you wish to confess to an historic crime of any description, press 1, and a dozen squad cars and a helicopter containing a BBc camera crew will be with you in — Five — minutes.

Hello?

Now what? All our officers are currently busy, filling in their entries for this year’s Mind How You Go Awards. Do not call this number again or we will come round and nick you for wasting police time.