We gotta have Prudence ... or Candy or Roxy!
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and trust me, no one has more respect for equal men than me, and I love unequal men, too, who cares if men are created equal or not, trust me, they’re created hugely unequal, that’s what I heard, I don’t know, but that is what people are telling me.
AND, anyway, that’s not what I just said. Nobody has more respect for equality than me, that’s a fact, folks. You know what? I was created so equal, so unbelievably equal, I was probably the most equal baby in the world, easily the equallest baby in the world, at least that’s what they tell me.
SO ALL MEN are created equal, especially me, folks, and they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights. YOU KNOW what? I’ve been endowed with so many inalienable rights it’s just amazing, and by the way I’ve got so many inalienable rights, billions and billions of inalienable rights, and I love inalienable rights, I mean, I could name thousands of them, thousands, and you know what’s wrong with those inalienable rights? They’re so inalienable, it’s madness, madness. And by the way, we’re going to cut those inalienable rights, or else, believe me, the aliens will be out to get them!
EXCUSE me, excuse me, are you going to let me talk? You call this fair? You call this fair? This declaration is being rigged by the dishonest and distorted media.
AND, BELIEVE ME, among these certain inalienable rights are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Women, I never said Women, I did not, I said Happiness. Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, when they say I said Women they’re lying, and I never pursued Liberty, I hardly ever met her, she’s lying, we barely touched, she’s a loser, she’s a horrible liar, and anyway, look at her, she’s not my type.
AND BY THE WAY, here’s the thing, I’ve been all over this country, all over, up, down, round and round, you name it, and I’ve met some of the greatest people I’ll ever meet, and they love me.
THAT TO SECURE these rights, Governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Sounds good, doesn’t work, never going to happen. Believe me. I mean that is mainstream media nonsense. THAT WHENEVER any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Donald to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new hotels, golfing resorts, leisure complexes and fivestar casinos, laying their foundations on such principles and organising its powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to affect their Safety and Happiness, a premium offer extended only to Trump Executive Gold or Platinum card holders.
PRUDENCE, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and if Prudence is not available, then ask for Candy, Roxanne or Roxy, and say the Donald sent you.
AND ACCORDINGLY all experience hath shewn, mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
SO LOOK, here’s the story. We’re going to make America great again, this is so beautiful, we’re going to make great deals, we’re going to kill all the bad people and make all the good people rich, and frankly the way we’re going to do this, we replant all the tired old Washington trees with brand new trees which money grows on and, you know what, the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings in the Big Rock Candy Mountain. OK?
BUT when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, like Crooked Hillary is proposing, and, believe me, folks, she’d prefer us all dead or in slavery to the Chinese, you want the Chinese to cream us, is that what you want, you want us to put out the red carpet for Chairman Mao and his cronies, is that it?
IT IS THEIR RIGHT, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security, so we’ll be having big, big changes. I’ll be ordering up just about a million guns, and a billion bombs, and a billion more bombs to bomb those bombs, because that’s the only language those bombs understand. And Grace, Chastity and Verity shall enter, and they let you do whatever you want, you can grab them anywhere, they let you do it. Trust me!
The New United States Declaration of Independence by Donald J. Trump as transcribed by Craig Brown