Why DID these women convince themselves they’re too ugly for the bedroom?
WITH her toned legs and slender frame, Lisa Reid has a figure that would surely be the envy of many women her age.
Happily married and with two teenage children — Yamuna, 15 and Chay, 13 — her body may bear the battle scars of motherhood, but no more so than any other 45-year-old.
Besides, her husband Jason, 40, is emphatic that he finds her no less attractive than he did when they met 24 years ago.
And yet, Lisa’s confidence in the bedroom has hit an all-time low.
‘I used to initiate sex as much as Jason, but now when I catch sight of myself naked in the mirror, I don’t like what I see and that makes me feel self-conscious,’ she says.
‘I hate my saggy boobs and my tummy is stretched from pregnancy. I don’t feel confident naked and there are times when Jason has felt frustrated by my lack of self-esteem.’
And Lisa is far from the only middleaged woman whose sex life has become hampered by anxiety.
Recent research found that women in their 40s and 50s have far lower body confidence in the bedroom than those in their 60s, and 70s, so is it any wonder that therapists are convinced many middle-aged women are literally thinking themselves off sex?
‘If you think your sex life is over after 40, it will be,’ says former nurse and sexual health expert Samantha Evans. ‘Attitude is everything. Many women are still inhibited and they don’t or won’t discuss their sex lives, preferring to give up.’
There are no physical reasons why their relationships can’t be just as passionate as they were in their 20s and 30s, but for many women it’s how they feel about themselves which dictates how much they embrace their love lives.
The way the medical profession views middle-age sex has an impact, too, as women can end up with very few options for support.
‘There is a general assumption that older women don’t have sex and doctors are given little training in talking about it,’ says Evans.
Certainly, when researchers questioned more than 500 women aged between 40 and 75, 52per cent admitted they had not discussed their sexual concerns with their doctor, preferring to suffer in silence instead.
A2012 paper, meanwhile, called Why Don’t Healthcare Professionals Talk About Sex?, found that only 6 per cent of practitioners initiated discussions about sexual problems on a regular basis with their patients.
In many cases, insists Evans, a simple change in attitude can make all the difference in having an active sex life in and beyond middle age.
For Lisa, who works in retail and lives in Swindon, her body anxieties are all in the mind.
‘I don’t avoid intimacy, but I like the lights down low,’ she says. ‘Jason doesn’t understand why I feel so selfconscious but I can’t help it.’
Jason, an office manager, admits he finds this exasperating at times. ‘Lisa makes me a little cross as she is always unhappy with her body and it gets her down a lot,’ he says. ‘It’s frustrating that she hides herself from me.
‘I am happy with the way her body looks. I just wish she would love herself how she is now.’
But at least the couple are able to discuss Lisa’s reticence in the bedroom. In many households, it quickly becomes taboo and that only makes matters worse, says Denise Knowles, a sex therapist with Relate.
‘Being able to communicate with partners is crucial. In my counselling room I never cease to be amazed at the number of couples who don’t talk about their sex life,’ she says.
Many women see their sex drive plummet after the menopause, but this, too, can be as much down to the mind as the body. ‘The menopause is
often portrayed as this sad period in women’s lives when they are really miserable and hate sex and this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy,’ says Evans.
She stresses that physical changes can be easily adapted to and there is help available.
But f or m any w omen, t he c ause o f their insecurities runs deeper still.
‘Personality and attitude very much determine an active sex life,’ says Evans. She has met couples as old as 95 who are determined to-enjoy a sex life, and are willing to adapt to changes in their bodies.
‘Never give up,’ she says. ‘There is always away to enjoy sex , it’ sjust a matter of finding what works for you. Being creative can open up a whole new world of intimacy and pleasure.’ Hanging onto one’ s confidence is a challenge in today’ s perfection-seeking society, however .‘ Women do what they can but there-are- some things- about-- the-ageing process we don’t have control over, and when we see pictures of how we are “ supposed” to look, it can intimidate us,’ says Knowles.
Accepting and adapting to your body’s changes and talking with your partner about it means you’ll be able to relax and enjoy the experiencefar better. Changing your-mindset is crucial for sex t ore main a pleasure rather than a chore. Here, L isa a nd t hree o ther w omen who share her anxieties talk c andidly about their aversion to sex, while their-husbands- offer a rather different view.
LISA SAYS: ‘Our sex life really suffered when I was larger after-- pregnancy. My body has changed so much. I hate my boobs. They’re a 34B and saggy and wrinkly.
‘My tum my is wrinkly, too. I don’ t feel confident naked and cover myself up in front of Jason even when I’m stepping out of the shower. Jason is always reassuring me, saying he loves me as I am and that he’ s seen it all before but when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I don’ t like what I see. I really don’ t want to get old.’
JASON SAYS: ‘It’s frustrating that Lisa hides herself from me. I have seen her naked before and am happy with her body.
‘She is always complaining about her boobs and how awful they are. But I w ish s he c ould s ee t hat s he i s beautiful to me. I really like her as a whole package.’
Sara Botte, 50, an office manager, is married to Leo, 48, a project manager. they live in Potters Bar with their son, 13, and daughter, 11.
SARA SAYS: ‘The menopause has kicked in and at the start of this year I thickened around the waist and my boobs got a lot bigger.
‘Initially it was horrible. But Leo was i ncredibly s weet. H e s aid: “ You have to accept it and go with it”.
‘I started going to the gym and I’m learning to accept there are parts of my body that aren’t going to c hange. I t h elps t hat L eo s ays h e will love me whatever.’
LEO SAYS: ‘Sara’s body has o bviously c hanged a fter e ach p regnancy but each time she got her shape back. She is always critical about herself and has never liked her legs but she looks great. I particularly love her boobs and waist.
‘I always find her sexy and think she has matured into a confident woman. If she put a lot of weight on, I ’d o nly b e u nhappy i n t he s ense that I know it would make her unhappy. I l ove h er w hatever s hape she is.’
Lorraine Maxwell, 48, a fulltime mother, has been married to trevor, 55, an it consultant, for 22 years. they live in Pinner, northwest London, with their children, tanya, 19 and alex, 15.
LORRAINE SAYS: ‘When I’m clothed, I’d probably give my body about a six out of ten, but when I’m undressed, I d on’t l ike m y r eflection.
‘I used to have a very pert bust and a flat stomach. But after two babies m y b ust h as g one s outh a nd my tummy is saggy. I feel self-conscious. And even more so if I’m wearing underwear around Trevor because I f eel h e m ay b e p aying m e more a ttention.’
TREVOR SAYS :‘ Lorraine’s figure a little softer since she’ s had children and I know she hates her stretch marks, b ut s he r eally n eedn’t w orry. I love all of her. Even if she put on 3s t I’d still love her because she’s my Lorraine. I think she looks as lovely as the day we first met.’
LISA ALI, 52, a health and fitness coach, is married to terry, 57, a design engineer. Lisa has two grown-up stepdaughters and terry has two children. they live in Hastings, east Sussex.
LISA SAYS: ‘I hear stories from c lients who are desperately insecure a bout t heir b odies, e ven w hen they’ve been with their husbands for many years. One woman told me how she hates her husband touching her stomach because she thinks it’s bloated and sags.
‘At the age of 49, I was disgusted by how much I’ d let myself go. Over the l ast y ear I ’ve w orked r eally h ard tot one up and get trim . Now , having come from a place where I really hated my body, I-never-focus on bits I don’t like. Besides Terry makes me feel loved and when you’re loved, you feel sexy.’
TERRY SAYS: ‘When Lisa was at her heaviest, I really didn’t notice too much as she was the same person inside. S he’s v ery h appy n aked a nd in turn that makes me happy.
‘I l ike t elling p eople h ow o ld s he i s as they think she is a lot younger and that makes me very proud.’