Scottish Daily Mail

Bake Off could be a romcom — with Hugh Grant as the irritating Paul

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THE real personalit­ies are coming through now. As The Great British Bake Off (BBC1) reached its semi-final, those battling bakers were showing their true colours.

Mild, diffident Andrew Smyth was concentrat­ing so furiously, as he iced his fondant fancies, that he blanked Mel Giedroyc completely.

She stood behind him, teasing him about his ‘straddle’: instead of bending over his worktop, Andrew was standing with his feet so far apart he was almost doing the splits.

Mel tried a joke. Andrew ignored her. She tried it again, louder, and he ignored her louder. Such rudeness in the Bake Off tent: even in semi-final week, it can barely be forgiven.

Meanwhile, Candice Brown was talking to herself. ‘Think, CB, think!’ she muttered under her breath. Somehow, it’s not surprising that she has these private conversati­ons — if you’re going to talk, it might as well be to someone you really like.

What’s more unnerving is that Candice addresses herself by her initials, as CB. That’s an affectatio­n usually reserved for pompous bosses, used by obsequious underlings. Perhaps Candice was hoping she’d give herself a promotion, all the way to the final.

Mel was doing everything she could to help. After hours spent stuffing flaky pastry loops called palmiers, Candice’s lip gloss was fading. ‘You without lipstick is not right,’ Mel squeaked, and restored her make-up with an expert flourish.

Meanwhile, Mel’s co-presenter, Sue Perkins, was helping Selasi Gbormittah to stay cool, by dabbing his face every couple of minutes and pocketing the tissue with a smitten sigh. When he’s stressed, Selasi appears to sweat pure testostero­ne and it was having an effect on Sue: she announced she was having steamy fantasies about actor Idris Elba.

In a cinema romcom version of this last-ever BBC series of Bake Off, the Luther star Idris would be ideal casting to play Selasi. They are both well over 6ft and from West African-born families: both have a Ghanaian mother.

For the box-office climax, the movie will have to end with Selasi gathering Sue in his arms for a lingering kiss, while Mary Berry bakes a wedding cake. Sue’s partner, TV presenter Anna Richardson, might have something to say about that, though.

The film industry is our best hope of a real sequel to this telly institutio­n, since the Channel 4 remake is looking doomed before it starts. With a script that combines Carry On ribaldry and cake recipes, how could a Bake Off movie fail?

Renee Zellweger, in Bridget Jones mode, ought to be Mel. Miranda Hart would kill to play Sue. Dame Judi Dench was born to play Mary. The only question is, who could be irritating enough to portray Paul Hollywood? Hugh Grant, of course — doing a Scouse accent.

Talking of films, supernatur­al drama Him (ITV) draws on a long series of classic flicks about teens with psychic powers, including Carrie and The Exorcist.

But it’s another TV series that makes Him look derivative — the made for Netflix show, Stranger Things. The unnamed 17-year-old in Him, played by Fionn Whitehead, has the power to move objects with his mind.

The only problem is it gives him a trickly nosebleed. The heroine of Stranger Things, who also lacks a proper name (she’s known as ‘Eleven’), can move objects with her mind, too, and likewise gets trickly nosebleeds.

There the similariti­es end. Stranger Things is a scintillat­ing homage to Eighties horror movies. It’s as though Stephen King wrote a classic Doctor Who serial. So far, Him is a run-of-the-mill, middleclas­s morality tale about divorce and the damage it can do below the surface of children’s lives.

Fionn’s character smokes dope and skips school, and when he’s very cross he holds a toolbag of hammers and chisels over his stepfather’s head and suspends it there with the sheer energy of his sulk.

Mostly, he can’t be bothered to use his powers for good or evil, and instead fritters them on magic tricks for his mates.

One Marvel movie, surely, would have been enough to spark his imaginatio­n, but he showed no interest in fighting crime or ruling the world.

Pity, really. A waste of a perfectly good superpower.

 ?? CHRISTOPHE­R STEVENS ??
CHRISTOPHE­R STEVENS

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