I can’t stop crying over my dead dog
MAureeN, I make no apology for choosing your letter to be published the day after the one-year anniversary of my own little dog’s death. Naturally, your email struck right to my heart, especially as you sent lovely pictures, too, including one of the beautiful box containing Jack’s ashes.
Most people will understand why your question tore at my heart. Last November 4, when Bonnie died, I was utterly heartbroken, and (to be honest) remain sad and miss her — even though we have two rescue dogs who make us smile every single day.
Who can explain these things? Well, I have tried to do so in my new memoir, Goodbye Pet & See You In Heaven, because I wanted to try to reassure people about mourning a pet, and explore some of the history of this special relationship.
The trouble is, because I am frequently asked to talk about the book at literary festivals and in the media, the sadness is renewed each time. There’s no help for it.
What I want to do is address the issue of grieving for your grandmother and the two deaths becoming conflated.
This is not uncommon, you know. The death of a pet can cause you to re-live other losses in your past life, remembering them with a new intensity. It’s as if all the love in your soul is set quivering. As I comment in my book: ‘Psychotherapists believe it is not the loss itself but what it uncovers within you that brings despair.’
Since you are frank about having suffered mental-health problems, it is no surprise to me that taking care of Jack turned out to be such a wonderful therapy and that, therefore, his death reminded you of how bereft you felt at the loss of your beloved Nanna.
Perhaps she was the only one in your life who gave you as much unconditional love as the mischievous Jack russell terrier.
Maureen, you know you had no choice but to take the vet’s advice and give Jack the best end possible —– so swift, so merciful, as he listened to your loving words.
And now I suggest you cease puzzling over how you can still mourn Jack at the same time as rescuing and loving Ziggy. (It’s marvellous that you have taken on an elderly dog, but I beg you to steel yourself for what is coming.)
Because this is the glory of it — the heart can expand and there is no end to our capacity for the deepest affection. Jack did something infinitely precious, which was to awaken your heart to the transforming love of a companion animal. So celebrate that — as I do.