Please don’t shoot the messenger

READER responses to this column are usually wonderful, but every so often a cross comment sends me back to the original.

This was the case after ‘Will I always be a second-rate granny’ (October 22).

A lady I’ll call S (from her email address) took me to task: ‘I thought the reply to the lady who just wanted to be a granny to her grandchildren was very hard, unfeeling and very thoughtless,’ she wrote.

So I looked back, read my suggestions about Skype and FaceTime and maybe having a toy ready to ‘talk’ to the grandchildren — and wondered what was ‘unfeeling’ about it.

Mind you, I did suggest that the writer, Joan, be sure to show ‘warmth and confidence’ at family occasions, so maybe that was deemed ‘thoughtless’.

Indeed, S grew even more angry: ‘That dear lady does not need putting down by the likes of you. She is most definitely NOT JEALOUS, she only wants to be the best granny she can in difficult circumstances.’

Now it so happens that the word ‘jealous’ wasn’t in my reply, but used by Joan herself! Um, and I also begged her to be sure to tell herself ‘that you can be the best grandmother possible, given the distance’.

But, you see, when people jump on one of my replies I usually find it’s because they are made so unhappy by their own story that they’re not reading what’s on the page.

Sadly, this is the case with S. She writes: ‘I know how this lady feels — my granddaughters see their other grandparents often after school, holidays etc.

‘It is not easy (when your daughter-in-law makes up stupid excuses why she cannot go on an outing with you) to have photos of your son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters with your ex and his girlfriend splashed all over Facebook. [They] have been to the zoo or seaside and you do not get invited.’

I send S much sympathy, because, yes, it is indeed tough to feel excluded. But, you know, my strategies for Joan were careful and positive, so please don’t shoot the messenger.