Janet Ellis
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QAFTER my father died last year, I invited my mother to come and live with my husband and our two children. It seemed like the perfect plan — my widowed mum wouldn’t feel so lonely and I was delighted to take up her offer to look after the children three days a week so I could go back to work part-time.
The girls love having their grandma around and I’m much happier knowing they’re being collected from school by someone who loves and cares for them like I do. The only thing that has been difficult is my relationship with my mum. It’s been only six months, but she has taken over the running of the house.
She insists on cooking most evenings and moans if my husband or I make the slightest bit of mess. I feel as if I am 15 again and living back with my parents! I know we have to try to make this work long-term and I can’t bear to upset her by raising my concerns.
What can I do?
AFirst of all, how lovely that you felt able to suggest this arrangement to your mum and she felt able to accept your offer. though it might seem obvious that it’s a good idea for her to come and live with you, both of you have had to make massive adjustments to ensure it happens.
it could have stalled at any point, so congratulations on getting this far.
You’re also both dealing with a fairly recent bereavement. she’ll be feeling especially raw. Losing her life partner and moving house is a lot to cope with. No wonder she’s not getting this bit quite right.
two women trying to run one household would tax even a shortterm arrangement, but you’re in this for the long haul. there’s no doubt you will have to talk to her about what’s happening. Of course you don’t want to upset her, but she’ll feel worse if you bottle everything up and then suddenly get annoyed with her — and so will you — so it’s better to start the conversation when you’re both calm. the more you grit your teeth and stay quiet about the annoying things she’s doing, the more you risk spoiling the delightful — and beneficial — side of the arrangement for yourself. As you say, having the sort of childcare she’s providing is priceless and you obviously enjoy her company, too — most of the time! i’m sure she thinks she’s being ultra-helpful when she turfs you out of the kitchen, but i can fully understand how displaced you feel when she does this. it’s still your house, and sharing that particular space is certainly not easy. it might seem a bit regimented to draw up a cooking rota each week, but it could save the day. Perhaps it will be her sunday lunch that wins over weekday supper or she could provide special cakes or puddings sometimes. You could plan the weekly shop together, too. Minimise her irritating habits with humour — it’s better to joke her out of complaining about your mess than sulk. When you discuss things, aim for a team talk. Both of you are after domestic harmony after all. But do feel free to remind her that you are team leader.