Hardcastle Ephraim
PRINCE Harry won’t talk to the media during his coming tour of the Caribbean. So he’ll duck questions about his relationship with US TV star Meghan Markle. But if he plans on marrying, his grandmother will have to be informed. Ms Markle’s divorcee status isn’t insurmountable. Princess Anne re-married in 1992 at Crathie Kirk. Charles and Camilla, both divorcees, married in a register office in 2005. And a Princess Meghan would mean the bells of St George’s Chapel pealing out once again every August 4 in tribute to her birthday, a milestone shared with the late Queen Mother.
IT IS a gently mocking jibe from the great PG Wodehouse: ‘It has never been hard to tell the difference between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.’ When Minister for Defence Procurement Harriett Baldwin deployed the line in a tetchy debate about the Clyde-built frigates, the SNP reacted with predictable outrage. MP Peter Grant tweeted: ‘Complete the sentence ‘It’s never difficult to tell the difference between a Tory govt minister and...’ To quote Wodehouse again, Mr Grant has the look of one who has ‘drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom’.
BONO’S elevation to ‘Woman Of The Year’ by Glamour magazine doesn’t impress the Irish Times, which describes him as a ‘spec-wearing, doggerel-spouting rock dinosaur’ aggravating the masses, adding: ‘don’t rule out a win at Crufts.’
SCREEN beauty Tippi Hedren, 86, pictured in her prime, reveals Alfred Hitchcock sexually preyed on her in a new memoir but she regrets never bedding Sir Sean Connery. She starred with him in Hitchcock’s 1964 film Marnie and says she was often asked if they had an affair, reflecting: ‘I learned very, very quickly that when you have an affair with anybody it shows in your eyes and I didn’t want anything like that to ruin my performance by having an affair with Sean.’ She then frankly adds: ‘Although I must say I regret it now.’
WEBSITE Popbitch gleaned this gem from playwright Alan Bennett’s new diaries. ‘R (his companion Rupert) having spent most of the evening (and yesterday’s) watching Wuthering Heights, turns to me at the finish and says: “You’re rather like Heathcliff.” Me (gratified): “Really?” R: “Yeah. difficult, northern and a c***.”’
JEREMY Clarkson, 56, apologised to the Mexican ambassador in London after describing his countrymen on Top Gear as ‘lazy, feckless, flatulent [and] overweight’. He recalls in Radio Times: ‘I didn’t have to, the Beeb didn’t tell me to, but it was out of order. So we went down and said we were really sorry and got absolutely paralytic on tequila with him. That was a good day.’ He’s a great loss to diplomacy, isn’t he?
PRINCE Andrew, who has been Andy Pandy (childhood), Randy Andy (Koo Stark era) and Air Miles Andy, is now, because of portliness and bossiness, Kim Jong Andy (after north Korea’s ridiculous dictator).