My grandkids don’t know their biological dad’s a sperm donor
ON THE COUCH WITH Janet Ellis
NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QMY DAUGHTER’S twins were conceived by IVF using donor sperm. They are nearing their teens, but still do not know that their father is not their biological parent. My daughter tells me she and her husband have no intention of telling them — in fact, I caught them lying outright to the girls recently.
I love my family, but it’s putting an increasing strain on my relationship with my daughter. I hate dishonesty and I find I’m distancing myself.
My granddaughters want to know why I don’t visit as much at the moment. How can I persuade my daughter to tell them the truth?
AFirst and foremost, your granddaughters arethe lovely girls they always were and you must strive not to let your feelings about what’s happening get in theway of your relationship with them.
this is only about you and their parents. thereare plenty of people who do know the full story, so i wonder why your daughter chooses not to let the peopleright at the heart of it — her daughters — know the truth.
if secrecy was vital at theoutset, then there was no need to let you know at all. it sounds as if your daughter and soninlaw didn’t decide on their course of action until quite recently — at about thetime their children started asking questions, in fact.
it might well have started unintentionally — perhaps the girls posed a question at an awkward moment and their parents wanted to wait for the right time to tell them. All too soon, a temporary delaying tactic can escalate into a fixed course of action.
it’s a very big secret to keep, especially when you’re all, otherwise, so close. But, although you’ve been entrusted with it, it’s not yours to reveal. Neither are you an accomplice, so there’s no need to fear repercussions if and when your granddaughters find out you’veknown all along. they’ll realiseyou’re that rare thing: someonewho can actually keep a secret. i’m talking as if they are going to find out eventually because it seems unavoidable. All sorts of things could reveal the truth — the need to confirm a medical history, for example, or someone stumbling on a document they weren’t meant to see. treat your daughter gently. she must feel constantly worried, however bold sheseems. You don’t need to know the reason for her reluctance and she might well find it hard to explain, anyway. tell her that the longer sheavoids the issue, the more sherisks losing her daughters’ trust if they find out they’ve been lied to by the people they should beable to trust the most. it’s in her power now to deliver the information in her own way, before her hand is forced. Why not suggest that you help her decide on the best approach to take when telling the girls? remind her that it was brave of her to elect for treatment, with all the possible disappointment involved, that she has nothing to be ashamed of and that she has your full support. indeed, stress how proud you are of her and her family. i hopeyour daughter can find a way to celebrate her children’s remarkable heritage.