Confessional

What the IT helpdesk really thinks about you

I AM the frontline of computer frustration. I mainly deal with home computer problems for a very well-known brand, and the majority of calls come down to customer error, rather than anything wrong with the machine.

The problem is, people are already furious, so they tend not to listen. Men tend to get very pompous — they’ll say ‘I’ve been working on this since before you were born’. It’s drummed into us to be polite, but sometimes it’s a struggle.

A woman called last week and said: ‘It won’t turn on, the screen’s black.’ I spent 40 minutes with her. In the end, it turned out her husband had borrowed her battery for his own laptop without telling her. I did laugh when she rang off.

The ones I hate are the abusive ones. We’re trained to calm people down, but sometimes they just want someone to blame. One man had got a computer virus by clicking on dodgy porn pop-ups, but he wouldn’t admit it. When I queried how this well-known virus had appeared, he swore at me and shouted: ‘I won’t be accused of perversion!’ He put the phone down. I suspect his wife walked in the room.

I’m amazed by how little people know about the machines they use every day. I feel annoyed when some rich idiot has spent two grand on a flashy computer and then treats it like a dustbin. Sometimes, we have to log in to computers so we can find the problem. One guy’s was covered in YouTube videos of Britney Spears. He said: ‘It used to be my little sister’s computer’ — but for some reason, I wasn’t convinced.

My favourite calls are from younger people. They tend to be very computerliterate and will do exactly what I tell them to do. It’s when I hear a well-spoken older voice on the phone, I have to brace myself for the long haul. And yes, I do start with ‘have you tried switching it off and on again?’