My dad’s died and I’m footing the bill for mum

novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions...

Q

MY FATHER died last year and ever since I have been supporting my 84-year-old mother — emotionally and financially. Mum was always dependent on my dad for money and he didn’t seem to mind her spending splurges. But now she hasn’t got his pension to rely on — just her state pension which barely covers bills and food shopping — she hasn’t tightened her belt. Instead, I give more and more money to Mum and have less to spend on my family. She still has a weekly hair appointment and gets her nails done — luxuries I can’t afford. She also spends more than she should on gourmet food and expensive clothes. I’m happy to help and glad she’s getting back on her feet after losing Dad, but I’m starting to begrudge footing the bill. How can I tactfully suggest she scale back her lifestyle?

A

You and your mother are still adjusting to your loss. It’s hard for you to take on the responsibilities your father assumed and hard for her to remember there’s just one person to cook and care and dress up for.

If she hasn’t had to think about budgeting till now, at her advanced age, it’s no wonder it doesn’t come naturally. She may well still be shopping for two and is probably still thinking as a couple, too, which is even harder to stop. After a long partnership, she’s understandably adrift. You might encourage her to carry on indulging in her little luxuries, as they will cheer her up and make her feel good about herself — if only you weren’t paying for them all.

It sounds as if she’s struggling financially, not because she’s being selfish, but because she simply has no idea of how money really works.

overspending is also a way to try to persuade herself that nothing’s changed, even though she knows just how much her life has altered.

I understand you not wanting to say No when she asks for money. You don’t want to be unkind. But your current irritation will fester into resentment if you don’t address this properly, and soon. You need to separate emotional support from financial proppingup. No one else can understand what she’s going through after your father’s death like you can, but qualified professionals can advise her on managing her money. I suggest you make the initial appointment with a financial adviser, as she may be reluctant to discuss things with a stranger then go with her to help her understand her options, to remember what’s been said, then help put things into effect. I’m sure she’ll find it a huge relief to have some structure to her spending. She’ll also be able to see the occasional splurge as a little treat, not an automatic right. That leaves the matter of how you and your mum are going to manage without your dad. I’m sure she appreciates how supportive you are but, just like her finances, your relationship needs to be put on a more regular footing now. Why not treat both of you to an outing together? It needn’t be somewhere expensive — your time is a valuable commodity, too. You’d both benefit from the opportunity to have a conversation that isn’t about counting costs. It would be a chance to begin to build lovely memories of the time you have left together. Before long, any gift you give her will come from your heart, not just your purse.