Confessional

What the gym receptionist really thinks about you

JANUARY is our busiest time of year. We’re packed with people convinced they’ll be 3st lighter by March. Well, their wallets will be, but if I see them 20 times in January I’ll probably only see them twice for the rest of the year. The men are particularly bad, these flabby guys come in, struggle to lift weights they shouldn’t be anywhere near, then get disappointed because they’re in agony and not losing weight.

Some women join as a social exercise, turn up in new Sweaty Betty leggings and headbands looking like Jane Fonda in the Eighties, try a couple of the machines and give up because it’s ‘too hard’.

I always recommend a few sessions with a personal trainer to start. I suspect people think I’m just trying to get more money out of them, but it’s to properly assess what you’re capable of. It’s not in our interests to have middle-aged idiots hurting themselves because they overdid it on day one.

This time last year, one guy in his 50s joined. He was pretty overweight and clearly unfit, and was on the treadmill when he suddenly collapsed, yelling. We all thought he was having a heart attack and I called an ambulance. It turned out he’d pulled a hamstring because he hadn’t done any stretches before he started running.

It’s a real shame people don’t just do what they’re capable of and enjoy the exercise. Instead, half our new clients are ‘training for a marathon’. I want to say ‘marathon season is April and you’ve only just put down the Celebrations tin. Are you sure about this?’ but I just nod along. They almost never do it.