TV’s big Saturday night grudge match...with all the glamour of bingo!
LET IT SHINE (BBC1) ★★✩✩✩ THE VOICE UK (ITV) ★✩✩✩✩
SO much for the Saturday night head-to-head spectacular, the glitterball grudge match. If it’s glamour you want, you’d have been better off going to the bingo... with a bag of chips for a treat later.
At least Gary Barlow and friends tried their best with Let It Shine (BBC1). The tubby one from Take That led the judging panel in a search for five young unknowns to star in a West End boy band musical.
It was a bit of a plug for his own product – the show will feature all Take That’s hits, many written by Gary himself. But we long ago ceased to expect the Beeb would refrain from advertising.
And Let It Shine did get off to a strong start, with a brand new number set to slick choreography and clever camerawork. It was hardly miraculous, but it was at least a tribute to the golden age of song and dance.
And then we heard the first bum note, the first of many moments to make us grit our teeth and wince, as presenter Mel Giedroyc sighed to co-host Graham Norton, ‘Can we please start every show like that?’
Uh-oh. That sounded a lot as though the best was behind us already, a warning to the viewers that we shouldn’t be greedy for any more.
What we got instead was a parade of young amateurs, auditioning for roles far beyond their experience or ability.
The best of them was an 18-year-old Northern Irish lad called Deaglan, with a quiff, a three-octave range and dance moves like Liza Minnelli.
Deaglan was born for theatre, and he’s just the right age for drama college. A couple of years at RADA will be the making of him.
Shoving him straight into a major production, doing 20 numbers eight days a week, will turn the boy into a gibbering wreck.
To emphasise the point, the only contestant who looked even halfway close to competent was the last contender, Jason – who is already, it turned out, a professional dancer in the West End show Thriller. The rest were singing firemen and caravan park attendants, nice lads who are probably good value at the karaoke in their locals, performing for their nans.
Gary kept telling us that he didn’t want polished performers – he was looking for charisma.
He certainly needs it. He sounds like an English Andy Murray after a fistful of sleeping tablets. What with his voice, and the format’s sheer lack of variety, as one boyband wannabe follows another, this is going to be a long eight weeks.
Graham tried to inject some excitement, in a skintight purple satin suit that looked like it hadn’t been skintight when he first bought it. Take That’s Mark and Howie were backstage, doing a ‘cheeky chappie’ routine like a cut-price Ant and Dec. In their lurid shirts and cheap hats, they looked as though they’d nick your car if you turned your back.
At least they didn’t sing. The judges on The Voice UK (ITV) did their usual dire routine of murdering a pop classic to launch the series. The song was Queen’s Under Pressure but it sounded more like Under Par.
Rapper Will.i.am started it off with some muttered doggerel which simply highlighted that, despite being the head coach on a talent contest for singers, he couldn’t hold a tune with rubber gloves and a pair of pliers.
New face Gavin Someone-orother joined in, like Meat Loaf with a head cold, and the grumpiest man in pop, Sir Tom Jones, grunted a bit as though he’d never been away.
THEY were almost saved by Jennifer Hudson, who certainly can sing and then some, but scuppered themselves with their ‘dad dancing’. The show itself was little different from the version that wore out its welcome on the BBC.
A succession of middle-of-theroad rock singers covered Nineties pop ballads in the style of Led Zep’s Robert Plant. Most of them sounded constipated.
Will.i.am is still making a big show of whether he’ll press his buzzer to save an act, waving his hands around in a pantomime that steals the singer’s limelight. It’s all about him – Will.he or Will.he.not?
This is a much crueller show than Let It Shine. At least the boys performing for Gary Barlow knew the day was meant to be a bit of fun, a chance for their mates to see them earning applause on the telly.
The contestants on The Voice are encouraged to treat it as their One Big Chance for fame. Many of them are desperate, and it shows.
One 28-year-old, a banker turned busker, was so devastated to be ditched that he left the studio swearing to quit singing. Another reject, a 27-year-old woman called Rachel, broke down sobbing: ‘I don’t want to be a waitress any more.’ At least she didn’t spot judge Jennifer, clawing the air to mime the sound of fingernails scraping down a blackboard during her act.
The judges no longer have to explain to failed singers why they didn’t make the grade. That feels cowardly, a change for the nastier.
It all made me want to turn my chair around... and face away from the TV.
Let It Shine claimed victory over The Voice in the ratings battle, pulling in nearly a million more viewers. The BBC1 show attracted an average audience of 6.3million, compared with the 5.5million its ITV rival managed.