I’ve lost my friend now her husband has retired
novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .
QMY FRIEND and I have always been close and have had so much fun, but recently her husband retired and now I can’t help feeling replaced.
We’ve always been there for each other as we’ve raised our families — whether for a glass of wine and a chat, a shopping extravaganza or a much-needed mini-break.
Recently, however, she has started doing all the fun things we’d do together with her husband. While my own husband is also retired, we don’t share as many of the same interests and he enjoys socialising with his friends. The transition into retired life as a couple, after our children have flown the nest, is proving difficult.
I understand my friend wants to make the most of this new time with her husband, but it hurts that she doesn’t seem to need me now.
How can I repair our friendship before it’s too late?
AWhen you’re younger, the idea of having more time in later years — hopefully with more money, wisdom and fun — seems wonderful. The reality is that time can hang heavy when there’s no one to play with.
Over the years, I expect there were times when your friendship lapsed, but you were probably too preoccupied with family or work to notice. nevertheless, you felt you were experiencing life in much the same way.
I don’t suppose your girlfriend has rebuffed your approaches; it’s more that you feel awkward getting in the way of what looks like her new romance.
When couples retire, it tests their relationship hugely. Some, like your friend, relish the opportunity to spend more time together. Others discover they’ve grown a little distant. It sounds as if you’re feeling lonely. While it’s natural to envy your friend, don’t let it get in the way of your friendship. She’ll want to spend time with you once the novelty of always having her husband around wears off. That leaves the issue of why you’re waiting for other people to initiate your fun. As most mothers do, I expect you’ve put your family’s needs before your own. That includes enabling your husband to build his own social circle. Your marriage has got a good few years in it yet, but it needs strengthening. If your husband’s putting too many solo dates in the diary and you’d like to spend more time with him, the answer could be to do something new together. Whether it’s exploring country churches or learning the tango, it could give quite a fillip to your marriage. If you’d like to be invited when he’s going out, do tell him. It’s time he considered your feelings — you’re making it easy for him to ignore you. While nurturing a lovely friendship and a long marriage are both things to be proud of, you’ve forgotten you need looking after, too. I think you should do something purely selfish. If there’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do, now’s the time to do it. Spoil yourself! It’s time to make everyone you care about feel lucky if you have any time to spare for them at all.