I’m scared my lover will leave me for her ex-husband

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE been in a close and loving relationship for more than five years. My partner and I met at work, had an affair and subsequently left our respective spouses for each other.

We live together and until recently have been very happy.

I maintained a decent relationship with my now former wife, but my partner has a poor relationship with her ex, who is often obstructive and argumentative.

Lately my partner has begun to act strangely — moody and withdrawn and seeking silly disagreements to turn into big arguments.

Our once fabulous sex life became all but nonexistent and she would often pretend to be asleep the instant we got into bed. Speaking to her about it just created further problems.

I was using our shared tablet when to my horror I found several internet searches obviously completed by my partner, looking for advice.

One of the searches asked: ‘Should I tell the father of my children that I still love him?’ Another said: ‘I had an affair five years ago, but I think I still love my husband.’

Yet another entry read: ‘Should I stay with my current partner just because he has nowhere to go?’

I confronted her and after she broke down she claimed that she had looked online for advice because she felt confused and wondered whether her moods were down to the fact that she was still in love with him. She also said she loved me and wanted to stay with me.

Although I want to believe this, I am obviously concerned and wondered what advice you could give me. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends, as I know that they will just say I am a mug and should leave her.

I love her enormously, but I don’t want to be second best. Please give me some advice. ROBERT

Do you and your partner realise, I wonder, that it’s quite possible to love two people at once?

This is one of life’s most complicated truths, leading to all kinds of problems. Love isn’t a cake to be divided and consumed, but a plant to water — a plant with many branches.

None of that will be understood by those who like a simple, moralistic answer to issues of the heart — but it’s vital you work at this, Robert, before you destroy your fragile happiness.

The unimaginative, punitive ‘onestrike-and-you’re-out’ brigade (who might call you a ‘mug’) know nothing of remorse and forgiveness — but that also means they don’t understand the glorious, multi-layered human spirit, either. Their loss.

Why am I saying all this? Because I can see why your wife suffered terrible guilt after your love affair ended two marriages. As Lady Macbeth discovered, it takes a long time to erase the stain of blood, especially when children are involved.

Incidentally, I was frustrated you gave no information about her children, since they’re so important. Who has custody? If her husband does (and he might well), it would explain her on-going anguish.

Also, since they are now five years older, their attitude to having estranged parents might have hardened and become more upsetting, thus intensifying her guilt. you must reflect on all these things.

I also make the opening points because I know what it’s like to love two people at the same time. Because there were many times when I mourned my broken first marriage, but gave thanks that my current husband accepted those confused feelings, understanding the reasons.

And because, when the passion of a love affair dwindles into the everyday reality of a live-in relationship, it’s perfectly normal to hanker over what you threw away.

Human beings are like that. Even though it continues to beat, the heart can bear wounds that never heal. I know mine does.

you don’t tell me your partner’s age, but I’m wondering if her moods and lack of interest in sex could be

to do with the menopause. That’s for you to consider — and to find out more, if you think it relevant.

Then, perhaps she feels envious of the fact that you have an OK relationship with your ex-wife and is transferring a slight sense of threat to a resentment of you.

It’s easy to see why you were shocked to discover she had been seeking answers to her perceived problem online, but I’m sorry that (reading between the lines) you had a show-down. Gentle questioning, hugs, conversation and reassurance would have been more useful.

What should you do now? Start with all of the above. Reject that term ‘second best’ and send it packing. You are not even ‘equal best’ — you are the man your lady has chosen to share her life with.

She loves you, but feels sad and weary that the present is always sullied by past wrongs. After such a sacrifice (two marriages), you need to face the current problems together and not allow this blip (her low mood) to drive you apart.

It would do you good to go to couple counselling and lay out some of the issues in front of a third party who has the experience to draw you both out.

Guilt can be corrosive and destructive; your partner really needs to be aware of what’s going on — and she won’t find answers on the internet. Tell her how much you love her and that the pain you both endured (and inflicted) in order to be together must now give you the strength to face problems together.

Tell her you understand her confusion, but she needs to accept that we carry all our old loves with us, making our souls grow large, even as they suffer.