Did my son abuse his younger sister?

DEAR BEL, I HAVE a son of 35 and daughter of 33. They have not got on since their teens and barely speak.

Not that their paths cross, but we all live in the same town. This is a source of sadness to me and I never knew why until she emailed us last year (after a few drinks I expect) and said why she hates him.

It seems that when they were younger, very early teens I’ll guess (though I’m not sure…yet to ask her that), he would go to her room, thinking she was asleep, and do something to her. I’m not sure what. Look, touch . . .

I don’t know what to do. While not condoning him, I just wish, for both their sakes, they could get past this. He and his partner left a Christmas card here for her and I put it in her bag, foolishly thinking I was being helpful and it was a peace offering. This annoyed her and she went home and told her partner all about it.

I doubt my son’s partner knows anything.

Without bringing in outsiders, I’ve wondered if I should text him (he doesn’t know I know) to ask if there is any way they could meet for a talk to mend fences.

In other words, gently letting him know I know? I’d like to think he regrets it and they could one day build a bridge. I hate the thought of them both carrying this guilt (maybe) and hatred.

I did put it to her that maybe it would help for them to talk. She said she’s no good at talking — which is understandable since the matter is so delicate. What do you think?

GILLIAN

My first comment is that this is a family ruled by silence. you now know the reason for the noncommunication between your children and that is both bad and sad. yet your own email resonates with reticence (if that were possible). you didn’t ever ask your daughter or son the reason for their estrangement.

you didn’t follow up your daughter’s tipsy email (a cry for help?) with any deep questions, so still don’t know what went on. Wordlessly, you slipped his card into her bag, because you thought it would help. you doubt your son has told his partner and reject outsiders (meaning therapists?), but wonder if you should text your son in the hope he puts one and one together to make…well, nothing, probably.

finally, your daughter sums it all up when she says she’s ‘no good at talking’.

Do you see what i mean? families where there is sibling sexual abuse tend to be characterised by secrecy, shame and evasion or outright concealment. it must have taken a lot for your daughter to blurt the truth in that email, because she is likely to have blamed herself for her brother’s behaviour, perhaps by pretending to be asleep because she didn’t know what else to do. she may even have felt more shame than he did — enacting an older brother’s assumption of power.

i was interested to read an estimate that the rate of sibling incest may be five times the rate of parent-child sexual abuse — based on reported incidents. yet incest is known to be under-reported — as in your daughter’s case.

in the past, sibling sexual abuse has been dismissed as child’s play in many cases and/ or as a normal aspect of sexual development. yet it can cause long-term damage both to the individual and to the family structure. Which is, i think, what we see here.

your daughter may well have viewed your action with the card as taking his side — saying, in effect: ‘He wants to make up, let’s forgive and forget.’

But since you don’t have an open relationship with her, you have no way of knowing how hard that would be. so you need to be pro-active…and helpless texts will not do the job. you may think this matter ‘delicate’, yet if you want to help, you have to overcome your own shame (which is what you must feel) and address the issue.

Wikipedia has a useful page on sibling abuse (inappropriate touching counts), while Pandora’s Project has a page to which you should direct your daughter (pandys.org/articles/ siblingsexualabuse.html).

you yourself will learn by reading that and another web page(sasian.org/sibling-sexualabuse-a-parents-guide).

your daughter may never talk to you, but in my opinion it would help her to reach out to one of the outsiders you reject. After all, what am i, but a stranger?

if you are sincere in your wish to find a way through this, you must talk to your daughter properly. i would also talk to her partner and find out their feelings. if you are unable to do this, it may be the case they will never bridge the gulf between them. One of the things most of us have to accept is that not everything can be fixed. But you can try.