Oh, the tyranny of being put on a total detox ... by Google!
He only had heartburn. But after GYLES BRANDRETH’s wife used the web for advice, she banned him from EVERYTHING (and he’s very grumpy)
What started with a touch of heartburn ended up changing my life. and in between, let me tell you, it’s been a living hell. three weeks last Saturday, after a happy sandwich lunch with my lovely wife of 44 years, I thought an afternoon nap might be nice.
I settled back on the bed and closed my eyes. Just a few minutes later they were wide open again and I was calling out to Mrs B: ‘I think I’m having a heart attack.’
‘I doubt it,’ she called back from the next room, ‘you only had a check-up a month ago. What’s wrong?’
‘the top of my chest — it feels as if it’s on fire.’
‘that’s heartburn,’ she said, standing in the doorway. ‘It explains the burps as well. I’ve told you — you eat your food too fast.’
‘Shall we call the doctor?’ I asked, as the fire continued to rage within.
‘On a Saturday afternoon?’ she laughed in reply. ‘Should we go to a& E?’ I pleaded. ‘Oh yes,’ she replied, ‘and have them say: “the old boy from the One Show is here to talk about his indigestion.” ’
I whimpered pathetically. She sat down at the bedside and opened her laptop. ‘We’ll consult Dr Computer,’ she said. ‘there are lots of medical websites to choose from.’
Indeed, the internet provides a superb service. No need for an appointment and no danger of embarrassment as the receptionist asks you about your ailment at the top of her voice.
What are your symptoms? heartburn? Yes. Belching and burping? Yes. Sore throat? Now you come to mention it, yes. are you overweight? Well, just a tad, I suppose.
My wife pressed a button on the computer. ‘Bingo!’ she said. ‘You’ve got GORD.’ ‘Oh my God. What’s that?’ ‘Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease.’ ‘Is it serious?’ I asked, sitting up. the burning sensation in my chest had subsided.
‘I don’t think so. It says here that it’s a common condition, millions have it. It’s where acid from the stomach leaks up into the oesophagus. this reflux usually occurs as a result of the ring of muscle at the bottom of the oesophagus becoming weakened.’ ‘Is there a cure?’ ‘Oh yes,’ said my wife, scanning the screen happily. ‘a change of lifestyle is all that’s needed.’ She looked up at me and smiled. ‘I think this could transform you.’ and that was the moment my nightmare began.
ThE website was emphatic. (Later, I shopped about a bit. Unfortunately, all the medical websites said the same thing.) If you don’t want GORD, cut out smoking, drinking, coffee and chocolate. I have never smoked. I gave up alcohol 15 years ago. But coffee and chocolate are the loves of my life.
Coffee gets me up and keeps me going. When I am out filming for the One Show on BBC1, it’s the non-stop supply of triple-shots that gives the pep to my performance.
and at the end of the day, my ultimate treat — the thing I like most in the whole wide world — is a smooth, dark chocolate bittermint. Or three.
Forget ’em. Bittermints are banned on two counts. the chocolate is bad for GORD sufferers and so — amazingly — is peppermint. Peppermint is out because it relaxes the muscle that lies between the stomach and the oesophagus.
the list of banned substances is long and essentially, I discovered, as my wife went through it with increasing glee, includes anything I enjoy eating, from macaroni cheese to spaghetti with pasta sauce.
the forbidden fruits include oranges, lemons, cranberry, grapefruit and tomatoes. the forbidden foods include garlic, raw onions, minced beef, mashed potatoes and chips. In a nutshell, if it’s acidic, spicy or fatty, cut it out. What’s left? Not much. When I gave up alcohol, it was the 6pm tipple that I missed the most. It was the drink that told me the working day was over and gave me permission to unwind.
I found a substitute that did much the same trick: bitter lemon. Even that’s out now. Carbonated drinks cause gastric distention. I stopped drinking to lose weight and I have got used to a life without alcohol. the two big advantages are that I don’t snore any more and never fall asleep in front of the tV.
having abandoned the booze overnight, I knew I was a man with what it takes cut to out the wrong fluids and foods and get my digestive system back on track.
three weeks ago last Saturday, I made the fateful decision to change my way of life for life.
Encouraged by my wife, who has wanted a slimmer, lither, less burpy husband for years, I launched myself on a total detox. Unfortunately, the computer did not mention the side-effects.
I realise now that I was a coffee addict. Within 48 hours of drinking my last cup, I was in a state of agony far worse than the worst heartburn I’ve ever known.
My head throbbed, my vision was blurred. at night, I could not sleep for the shooting pains in my legs. During the day, I couldn’t stay awake. I won’t share the worst of it with you because constipation is not a subject to discuss in public. But having endured the withdrawal symptoms (they lasted a week), I decided that I must make the suffering worthwhile.
that is the course I have embarked on now. Not only am I going to defeat GORD, I am going to have the best digestive system known to man. From now on, I am committed to healthy living. It isn’t easy and it isn’t fun. I start and end the day with a cup of camomile tea. It is also my treat at elevenses and at tea-time.
If you’ve never tasted camomile tea, I can reveal its flavour matches its appearance. a hotel manager told me this week that of all the teabags supplied in hotel bedrooms, the only ones that never get stolen are the camomile teas.
My breakfast is a bowl of muesli, cut-up banana and low-fat milk. at lunch, I run riot with a chickenbreast, tuna or boiled egg sandwich. (No pepper or salt, but I can have a little butter spread very thinly. and a small amount of hard cheese is permitted: not more than two cubes, the size of small dice.)
FOR dinner, I pig out on white fish and steamed carrots and broccoli. Carrots, apparently, are great for the digestion, but eat them slowly. In fact, eat everything slowly. When my father was a boy in the twenties, he had grapenuts for breakfast and was told to chew them 18 times on either side of the mouth before swallowing. that’s the approach I am adopting now.
I am eating less (I have lost 6lb), chewing more (I keep biting the inside of my cheek, but I’ll get used to it) and taking meals more slowly.
the medical websites recommend putting down your knife and fork between each mouthful. It lengthens the time you take to eat, but since you won’t be having puddings you’ve got time to spare. (Yes, I have eaten my last-ever ice-cream. Do you wonder I’m so grumpy?)
a benefit of the new regime is I am taking more exercise.
heartburn is aggravated when you are lying down because it is easier then for the acid to flow up from the stomach to the oesophagus. the rule now is: don’t lie down for at least an hour after you have eaten, preferably two. Go out for a brisk walk instead.
I am committed to this, whatever the cost. My digestion may be improving, but my mood isn’t.
Of course, I accept I must suffer to be beautiful, inside and out. I owe it to myself — and my wife.
But if you see a slimmer, fitter me struggling through the winter streets of an evening, don’t stop to say hello. I won’t burp, but I might bite your head off.