The Beeb’s amateur art show really is like watching paint dry
How we love a good cry on telly. Think of Nadiya Hussain, who floated to fame on her floods of tears when she won Bake off, or Essex boy Mark wright’s constant sobbing on Strictly.
when the waterworks go on, the ratings soar.
Come to think of it, if black-andwhite cinema star Stan Laurel had been born a century later, he’d be a natural for I’m A Celebrity... or Big Brother. In 2017, no one would be laughing as he crumpled up his face and tousled his hair — we’d be phoning in our votes for him.
It was immediately obvious on The Big Painting Challenge (BBC1) that abstract artist Jennifer was not going to be the first contestant kicked off the new series.
Her first effort, supposed to be a still life, looked like a coat of pale blue primer on a wall, it’s true. And her second, which was meant to be a version of a Van Gogh, was created not with a paintbrush but with strands of hair extensions, draped over the canvas and peeled off.
But when one of the judges called her work ‘meaningless’, Jennifer dissolved in a puddle. Sniffling and shaking, she clung to the other artists, then bravely declared that she would use the criticism to make herself stronger — before breaking down in sobs again.
Nobody who cries that much can be ousted from a reality gameshow. And, sure enough, when the pictures went on public display, it was Jennifer who won the public vote and a guaranteed place in next week’s episode. She burst into tears again.
Even the judges blub in these shows now. on BBC2’s The Great Pottery Throw Down, adjudicator Keith Brymer Jones can overflow at the sight of a well-turned vase. If anyone glazes a plate nicely, he has to be led away for a lie-down in a darkened room.
For viewers of the painting contest, though, the only reason to reach for the tissues was because you were bored to tears.
It may be a lovely and relaxing hobby, but amateur art is dull to watch. The imposition of a two-hour deadline doesn’t make it any more exciting — it simply makes the results much worse.
And because every artist, whatever their ability, will have their own techniques, it is nonsense to judge them on unrelated challenges.
The first to be booted off was 69year-old Lesley, who made a hash of her still life. But a glimpse of her usual style revealed colourful illustrations that wouldn’t be out of place in a high-quality children’s book.
Meanwhile, the judges were making twerps of themselves in other ways. one painter plastered on the blue acrylic too thick, and it oozed down the canvas in rivulets. Nothing she did could disguise the disaster.
But a lecturer from Chelsea College of Arts went into raptures about the dribbles, calling them ‘an incredibly successful choice’. oh well — he might not know everything about art, but at least he knows what he likes.
There was no chance of holding back tears during Call The Midwife (BBC1). The period drama never shies away from sad stories, but it delivered a twin dose of heartbreak, as one mum-to-be lost her premature baby and another faced eviction if she didn’t give up her newborn for adoption.
For many viewers, and I’m one of them, the scenes of medical examinations and difficult births can be gruelling.
when the mother who had suffered multiple miscarriages was being checked over, with her feet in stirrups, I discovered a mark on the carpet that had to be closely inspected for about 30 seconds.
But if all the moments of wailing and sweaty hair leave you wincing while you watch, Call The Midwife is rewarding in other ways. It is one of the few dramas to take religion seriously, bringing a welcome touch of Christian morality to the Sunday schedules.
The story of the struggling single mother Marnie, tempted to give her baby to her wealthy cousin, raised enough philosophical and practical questions to fill a book.
But it was the simple baptism ceremony that helped Marnie realise how much her child would need her. Cue more tears.