My friends didn’t help when I was ill

DEAR BEL, I AM one of a group of four friends who first bonded as young mums, running cake stalls and jumble sales at our children’s school.

Over the next three decades we grew extremely close — sticking together through thick and thin, and supporting each other as we raised our families.

I always played the role of the quiet, steady one who did much more listening than speaking, which suited me just fine, as I am very reticent by nature.

Last year, I fell ill with a painful, debilitating, but not life-threatening, disease, and had to drop out of circulation for a while.

I was hurt and shocked by the lack of support shown to me by my friends. They seemed more affronted by my illness interfering with our travel and social plans than anything else. During my recovery they ignored me and did not even send so much as a card. To say I felt betrayed would be an understatement.

Now I’m on the mend and ready to get back into the swing of things. On the one hand I’m puzzled and angry about their treatment of me. But, on the other, I miss them and just want things back the way they were.

Frankly, I’m lonely. I’m also aware that finding new friends at my age is no easy task, especially for someone as shy as I am. Should I extend the hand of friendship? And if they accept it, should I demand an explanation or just let it go? I am very confused right now. GILLY

AS I slowly recover from surgery I am reading your email, knowing just how much the support (emails, phone calls, cards, flowers) of friends and Mail colleagues has meant to me. It makes me so grateful. Therefore, I feel especially sad on your behalf, as well as angry that these women seem to be so self-absorbed and insensitive, they didn’t consider the needs of someone they’ve known more than 30 years.

It’s almost impossible to believe you had no get-well-soon cards.

This is not an unimportant issue. It raises the question of whether it is possible to sustain love (or close friendship) when feeling utterly disappointed by a person (or people) you trusted.

Your story reminds me of a younger woman I know, who was highly supportive to a friend who lost a baby, then saw her through the next pregnancy, being as attentive as you could hope.

A healthy baby was born, but then when this woman got pregnant herself, and endured a life-threatening pregnancy, that friend was nowhere to be seen. Now, we could come up with ‘reasons’ — like being busy with her own infant or worrying that said baby might upset the sick pregnant chum — but it won’t wash. She was just a neglectful, hurtful friend. Which means, when you boil it down, no friend at all.

So, do you ditch your pals because they were so neglectful, or be pragmatic and conclude three inadequate friends are better than none?

In your place I reckon I’d grit my teeth and carry on, with the realisation they are not the women you thought they were.

But one thing puzzles me. You talk about ‘extending the hand of friendship’ as if somehow there has been a falling out. Have you let them know by email how disappointed you felt? Was there a row? Maybe there is something missing from this narrative…

Whatever the (maybe more complicated) truth, I think you might find it helpful to think of the good times you have shared. Focus on one thing each did, one episode of fun. This is for your own sake, not theirs. Then get in touch with them all and see how it goes.

In time, you might find a chance to talk to them individually, and ask: ‘Why?’ But even if you pick up the pieces, you will never be able to forget. And that (as with so many other things that trouble us) has to be lived with.