Thin mums, their plus-size daughters and generations at war over weight femail MAGAZINE
THEIR smiles are the same and they both have long, glossy brown hair and pretty eyes. But that’s where the similarities end for Christine Brown and her mother, Carmen. Christine, a 33-year-old neuroscientist, is 5ft 8in and the top end of a size 16. her mother, Carmen, who’s 62 and a global property manager, is 5ft 3in and a tiny size eight. And Christine’s more curvy shape is a source of constant tension and strife between them.
‘My weight has become such a battle between us that I’d rather we talk about it as little as possible,’ says Christine, who lives in London and is single.
‘Mum argues that her concern is mostly about how my weight affects my health, but I know she is also worried about how others perceive me.
‘She’s convinced that if I’m big then I won’t be able to attract the right partner and that my size will adversely affect my career, even though I take a real pride in my appearance.
‘She says that any mother would feel that way, but I don’t believe that. I understand that she’s concerned about my health and happiness because she knows that I don’t like being the size I am. But the way she expresses her concern has been spectacularly unhelpful.
‘Sometimes it feels as though Mum is ashamed of me and that really hurts. Whenever we see each other I can sense her assessing my size, checking to see whether I’ve lost any weight. I can see her disappointment when I haven’t.
‘I sat her down recently and told her that the way she addresses my weight is very difficult and hurtful for me, but I still don’t think she gets it.’ It’s explosive stuff and illustrates how, despite being one of the supposedly closest bonds, the relationship between a mother and daughter can be complex and painful when certain flashpoints — such as weight — come to the fore.
Being several sizes larger than your mother
turns biology and expectation on its head, altering the dynamic in the relationship in the process.
Think about it. Socially mothers are conditioned to expect their adult daughters to be a slimmer, prettier version of themselves, after they’ve succumbed to at least a little middle-aged or menopausal spread.
It’s a baton they like to pass on, as their own looks fade.
Biology also dictates, on paper, that it is the daughter who should be slimmer, given that our metabolic rate and lean muscle mass decrease as we get older, making it harder to remain slender.
When that isn’t the case — for whatever reason, including, of course, the father’s genes, which also come into play — as Christine’s experience shows, it can be a constant irritant.
There are many high-profile examples of middle-aged mothers who are more slender than their adult daughters.
Take model Yasmin Le Bon. Agedefyingly beautiful at 52, though her eldest daughter Amber, 28, has followed her into modelling, Yasmin is far slimmer than her other daughters Saffron, 25, and Tallulah, 22.
Professor Deborah Tannen is the author of several books about the relationships between mothers and daughters, including You’re Wearing That? She says her years of research have shown that weight, along with hair and clothes, are the three things that women feel their mothers are critical of above all else.
‘Your mother is the one most likely to see your flaws and tell you about them because we do see each other as reflections of ourselves,’ she says.
‘The subject of our weight is precarious territory for most women anyway, but from the perspective of the daughter, your mother is the person you most want to think that you’re perfect.’
It’s creating a tinderbox that’s ready to blow at any time.
CHRISTINE had been a skinny child under her mother’s watchful eye — junk food was banned other than a monthly pizza. ‘When I was growing up, Mum was very vocal about eating healthily and was controlling of food, just as she is now,’ she says. ‘There was a definite focus on “don’t eat potatoes, do eat broccoli”.’
Still, by the time Christine was 16 she weighed more than 10st, before losing a stone on a trip to India a year later, which marked the start of a long battle with her weight.
She suspects she takes after her father, who shares his daughter’s propensity to put on weight.
And she admits that at university, she over-indulged on bagels and ‘basically too many carbs’, tipping the scales at over 12st, which sent her mum into a tailspin.
‘The more she panicked, the more defensive I became. Since then my weight has been a prominent theme in our relationship as I’ve lost it on various diets and regained it.
‘I don’t want to blame Mum, but she doesn’t let things go.
‘I’ve almost become immune to her comments because they’ve been going on for over a decade,’ says Christine, beginning to cry.
‘I brace myself each time we see each other because she looks at me in a certain way and I know what she’s thinking. It’s an awful feeling.
‘It’s sad because I know that she wants to encourage me; she just doesn’t know how to express it.’
Christine is seeing a nutritionist and is determined to get her weight under control. ‘I have to do this for me, not for Mum, otherwise it’s just not sustainable.’
It’s a point that Carmen acknowledges, though she admits that she can’t fathom why Christine’s approach to food and weight doesn’t reflect her own. ‘My mother is 94 and she is still slim and I have always aspired to be like her,’ says Carmen. ‘I’ve emulated her healthy, lean diet.
‘even if I gain a few pounds I don’t feel good. I’ve always eaten a healthy diet. So I can’t understand why Christine isn’t like me, given that I raised her this way.
‘I don’t believe I was controlling about what she ate as a child, I merely showed her how to eat healthily. I lose sleep over how her weight will affect her health.
‘Also, she is young, and if she lost weight she’d look more attractive. I want to see her fulfil her potential and be happier and healthier.
‘I can’t work out why she can’t lose weight. She’s not greedy or lazy, and has real discipline in every other aspect of her life.
‘She’s so intelligent and works really hard, but there’s a perception in society that if you’re overweight you’re lazy and don’t care about your appearance. I don’t want people to assume that about Christine because it’s not true.
‘It’s a fact that women are judged for their looks. If she was a size 12, I would be very happy.’
Does Carmen blame herself? She says not. ‘I ask myself every day how Christine got like this and I can’t find the answers.
‘But I feel that as her mother I’m the only person who can discuss her weight with her.
‘Sometimes I stop wanting to look at her, which makes me very sad. I love her so much, but the subject of her weight is damaging our relationship, even though we are close.’
In the past 50 years, women’s relationship with food has changed beyond all recognition.
Instead of being something to sustain and nurture us, we see it as an enemy to be tamed and vanquished — the boom in the clean eating and fad diet markets proves this. The UK diet industry is said to be worth more than £2 billion.
Meanwhile, children are getting fatter. One in three ten and 11-yearolds — 34.2per cent — is deemed to be overweight. every day parents, mothers in particular, feel they are treading the line between overcontrolling children’s eating and being too lax.
Dr Maxine Woolhouse is a senior lecturer in psychology at Leeds
Beckett University and has done extensive research into how mothers and daughters talk about food, eating and weight. Nothing, she says, is more tricky and peppered with flashpoints.
‘It’s complicated because it’s at odds with the fact that a big part of their job as a mother is to inspire confidence and self-esteem in their daughters,’ she says.
‘But mums realise that we live in this fat-phobic society and they know that women are judged on their weight, shape and size, which can create tension because they want their daughters to be free of those pressures.’
She adds: ‘They also don’t want to be criticised themselves — society is quick to blame mothers for everything, so some mothers might feel responsible if their daughter is overweight.
‘Meanwhile, there’s an expectation from daughters that their mother should be their cheerleader. But you can see where motherly concern comes from.’
Retired office worker Sue Nickels, 69, believes she always got the balance right when raising her daughter Louise, 41, a digital marketing executive, who is married to Tom, 53, a commercial photographer. They have a son, Isaac, five.
SHE never commented on Louise’s weight or banned certain food from the house. Nevertheless, she admits she feels a pang of failure that her daughter is overweight. Not that she’d dare broach the subject.
‘Louise and I are incredibly close and talk about everything, but not her weight — though I would prefer her to be a bit slimmer for the sake of her health,’ says Sue, who lives half a mile from Louise in Paignton, Devon, with her husband Roy, 64, a retired planner for a water company.
Sue is 5ft 4in and size ten while Louise is 5ft 10in and size 16. Sue suspects that her daughter takes after her father’s side of the family, who’ve always been stocky.
‘I wouldn’t want Louise to be upset or to start doing silly diets. She eats good food and her husband is a wonderful cook. But she has no self-control: she eats too much.
‘I’ve just come back from a twoweek Caribbean cruise and weigh 9st — just as I did when I boarded the ship. I compensated for having three-course evening meals by only eating fruit and salads during the day.
‘I weigh myself once a week and if I get to 9st 3lb I cut down to get back to 9st.
‘What concerns me most is that my husband is overweight and was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2015. I’m worried that Louise is heading the same way.
‘If Louise ever asked me what I thought about her weight, I’d approach it very sensitively and suggest losing half a stone wouldn’t do her any harm.’
Louise, though, is unfazed by her weight. ‘I had a well woman check-up when I was 40 and weighed 14st and my GP said he’d like me to lose 2st,’ she says.
‘But my cholesterol levels and blood sugars were fine, so it doesn’t concern me. And I’m always running around after my son, so I’m fairly fit.
‘Mum is different. She’s always been conscious of being slim and will tell me if she’s put on so much as a pound.
‘I’ve caught her giving me a look sometimes if I have an ice cream or a cake. She’d never say anything directly, but I know she’d like me to lose weight.
‘If I gained more weight she’d have every right to be concerned and to say something.’
Nicola Ockendon’s size and eating habits have been under her mum Jacqui’s scrutiny since she moved back in with her parents in Essex last December when a longterm relationship ended.
Having lived away since she was 18, she’s returned home several stone and dress sizes bigger, which, she says, is a ‘big deal’ to her super-slim mother.
‘I went to a lot of effort for a dinner with colleagues recently, including putting my hair in curlers and having my nails done, but Mum’s reaction was, “You look lovely, but . . .”
‘I knew the “but” was that she thought I’d look better if I was slimmer,’ says Nicola, 35, who works in accounts. Nicola, who’s 5ft 4in, is a dress size 16-18 and 15st. Jacqui, 58, a nurse, who is married to Christopher, Nicola’s stepfather, is 9st and a size ten.
‘I know Mum’s right, but sometimes I wish she could keep her thoughts to herself,’ says Nicola. She blames her weight on her penchant for white wine — and her father’s genes.
‘I have a glass or two every evening,’ she says. ‘I don’t snack or eat chocolate or crisps. Mum says it’s not what I eat, it’s my portion sizes — she nags me to eat three roast potatoes not four.
MUM always leaves food on her plate, even if it’s just a mouthful, while I eat the lot.
‘I’ve recently lost a stone-and-ahalf, but Mum still thinks I should try to be more active and slimmer.
‘I love her to bits and we’ve always been honest with each other, but sometimes it’s hard to hear and a compliment would be so much more effective.’
Jacqui, though, is adamant that she only has Nicola’s best interests at heart.
‘As a child she was athletic, so it was a shock to me when Nicola gained weight because it didn’t suit her and I told her as much,’ says Jacqui, who eats three meals a day and never has snacks.
‘I raised her and her two sisters to eat a balanced diet, so I don’t see where she’s gone wrong.
‘I do think there is too much temptation these days and that young adults drink far more than my generation did. Nicola agrees and admits that drinking always leads to more unhealthy eating habits the next day, too, such as having even bigger portions.
‘She’s happy and confident, which is important, but I know she’d like to be slimmer.
‘I’d prefer it if she lost another 2st for the sake of her health, and also because there are clothes she’d like to wear that she can’t.
‘Plus, she’d love to settle down and have a family and I wonder if being slimmer would give her more confidence when trying to meet the right man.’
I know Mum’s right about my weight but I wish she would keep her thoughts to herself sometimes