He’s left me at 70 — how can I survive on my own?
For many people, a divorce is indeed like a bereavement, the sense of loss weighing for months, even years.
Something has ended and the future that you imagined is snatched away. The more unexpectedly this happens, the harder it is (believe me, I know) to cope with the bewilderment.
Most people will feel great sympathy for you starting again, alone, at the age of 70. That’s what people must do when they lose a beloved spouse to death: endure a long process of grieving, then gradually work out how to get on with the new life.
Yes, the experiences are different. But I make this point in order to help you see that you are allowed to feel as you do.
You have already begun to make sense of what happened — admitting you were totally blind to your husband’s feelings.
You accepted your marriage was ‘imperfect’, that he liked to be decisive and in control, that you didn’t communicate. Such is the story of many marriages, seen from the viewpoint of this column. In the
meantime, your husband wanted so much more.
Chafing at his bonds, railing (in his head) against getting older, he couldn’t waste any more time being unhappy. Many men and women find themselves thinking that way when they reach their 50s, but being busy with a career can keep negativity at bay. Then comes retirement . . .
It was cruel of your husband to spring this on you with no chance to work out any way forward — but it’s what can happen when a couple have lost the habit of real conversation.
Your marriage is over; what matters now is how you gather strength to go forward.
No further analysis of what went wrong is going to help you grow your confidence once more. But I admire your vow to keep your family neutral. I also assure you that an ‘amicable divorce’ is a contradiction in terms, as long as you abandon the useless ‘hate’.
Bravely, you rattle off things you need to do — and I agree with all of them.
A ‘new hairstyle’ is far from trivial; it can make you look at the lady in the mirror in a new way. I wish you energy to put your thoughts into practice and suggest you give yourself a goal to achieve every day and make lists of what you have achieved.
But you also have to learn to be alone, and to value the peace of a home free from someone who doesn’t wasn’t to be there any more.
He wants his own time; now you must see this phase as your very own. A rebirth, if you like.