Waiting for Bogof — Lucky goes shopping

(With apologies to Samuel Beckett)

GIVEN the existence as uttered forth in the Sales of Goods Act of a Consumer Watchdog quaquaqua all seeing ombudsman quaquaqua all singing all dancing and who could doubt it but still mistakes do happen in spite of the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974 and what is more that is to say not to mention the hygiene regulations 1974 and lessons have been learned but time will tell and not so fast blood oranges now available sold out Brains faggots now available sold out special low prices rising and falling, like the desert sands, rising and falling, like the waters of the Nile, rising and falling, like the mop in the bucket could the in-store cleaner please go to aisle 13 for a wet spillage by persons unknown could the owner of a blue Vauxhall Vectra please return to the loading bay for reasons unknown but not so fast have you swiped your Nectar card/Oyster card/ Barclaycard/birthday card why not shop online and stay at home but still mistakes do happen in spite of the Electronic Communications Act 1974 and the public works of Pasteur and Fleming that is to say Crosse & Blackwell and who could doubt it Spear and Jackson et al but lessons have been learned and time will tell but not so fast could the instore cleaner please return to the loading bay for reasons unknown could the owner of a blue Vauxhall Vectra please go to aisle 13 for a wet spillage by persons unknown but not so fast have you swiped your Nectar card/Vector card/Visa card/loser card soya milk now available two for the price of 46 sold out special low prices rising and falling, like the empires of antiquity, rising and falling, like the stars in the inky blackness, rising and falling, like his stockinged feet in the menswear section I resume could the in-store cleaner please go to aisle 13 and not, repeat not, the loading bay for reasons unknown could the owner of a blue Vauxhall Vectra please return to the loading bay and not, repeat not, aisle 13 for a wet spillage by persons unknown in spite of the parking regulations 1974 and the public works of Laurel and Hardy not to mention Clancy and Docwra et al and who could doubt it now available cold meats/raw meats/hot soups/hard cheese of all kinds that is to say hot meats/shot meats/dead meats/dead beats of all kinds sold out I resume could all available staff please go to the U-boat square (whatever that means) for the two-thirty rumble (whatever that means) please remain calm this is just a drill but still mistakes do happen in spite of the fire regulations 1974 and lessons have been learned but time will tell and not so fast could the owner of aisle 13 please return the in-store cleaner to the loading bay in his stockinged feet in the menswear section and the blue Vauxhall Vectra registration quaquaqua 1974 thank you for shopping at this store today why not stay at home.

G. Bell, eastleigh, hants.