Will I be happy if I uproot my family and move back to London?

DEAR BEL, WHEN I met my partner eight years ago, I’d always lived in London. He had a house in Wales and after a few years asked me to move in with him there. This made sense and I hoped I’d either love it or, if not, move back where all my family and friends live.

I found the move extremely difficult. I didn’t love the place, but got a good job.

I’m quiet, so making friends has never been easy for me, and most here are colleagues. I miss my family and friends and the vibrancy of London, but thought I’d stick at it to see how it goes.

I’ve since had a child, now aged three. I always imagined visits to my parents, but as it is such a long drive, we don’t see them as much as I’d like to.

The nearest family I have here are my partner’s mother and sister, but unfortunately, we just don’t gel and, to be honest, I’ve given up trying to get on well with them.

Recently, I became ill and was in a very dark place. Friends and close family came to visit, which made me realise that, though it’s nice and safe here, I miss them so very much. All these years the possibility of moving back has always stayed in my heart.

I no longer like my job. I want to move back to be near support — as well as be able to help out my family/friends when needed.

I’ve discussed this with my partner and he’s agreed — but is not very good at talking about it. We’d both have to find new jobs and a new home — and downsize.

Realistically, I know moving would be a huge step. Now I’m wondering if I should leave it as a dream. Maybe I’m being unfair to my partner and daughter — when what we have is fine: a beautiful home in which we’re currently financially stable.

I know a move won’t guarantee happiness, so maybe I should just forget it and find a new job instead. If I decide to move, I don’t know where to start, but if I stay here I’ll always think: ‘What if?’ Maybe I should just accept that as Life?

I know, ultimately, the decision is mine to make, but I would value your opinion. MARNIE

To BEGIN at your ending, surely this huge decision is not yours to make?

You’ve both created a life and a child, now three. Your dilemma — London v Wales — is one that can only be solved by the two of you weighing up the alternatives.

Your letter makes it quite clear you never truly settled and right from the beginning kept the door open for a move back. Not the most auspicious start to a new life.

Nobody can blame you, as the contrast between London and Wales (are you in the country?) is pretty significant.

But it bothers me that you were only partially ‘present’ in a life which many women might have found blessed: loving man, beautiful home, new job in a pleasant environment . . . and then a daughter. Did your partner realise that right from the beginning you had your eye on the door marked ‘Exit’?

You have been ill and depressed, so it’s hardly surprising you miss family and old friends even more.

Have you had counselling to try to sort out these negative feelings? Have you talked to those people who mean so much to you, to discover their views on your moving back to London?

Given the problems of finding well-paid jobs and buying property in the prohibitively expensive capital, as well as moving your child to an environment that might well be far less congenial, they might advise against a move. You and the man you chose to spend your life with have much to discuss.

When I have a big decision to make, I use the time-honoured method of dividing a page of

notepaper down the middle and listing all the arguments, for and against, on each side of the line. You need to do this together without delay.

You should also research alternative jobs in Wales — and in London. You’re shy and don’t make friends easily, but please know that as soon as your daughter starts pre and primary school, you will meet other parents. A whole new world should open up.

You could move back to London and find your ‘dream’ becomes a nightmare.

To ensure the stability of your relationship and your child’s well-being, I’d stop dreaming and sit down with your man, patiently working things though. Thinking ‘what if?’ is an aspect of life which we all have to accept, and ‘happiness’ is

never a given. It has to be worked at, eyes wide open — and the shortfalls accepted and overcome.