Wordy wise

BUN CONTROL — to tackle America’s growing obesity problem, all cakes, buns and similar food objects are banned. Employees made redundant will be enrolled into a special force and given wall-building skills training, and driven to the U.S.-Mexico border. NUN CONTROL — the number of nuns is to be strictly regulated as President Trump believes ever-growing numbers of people, particularly women, pose a potential danger to security, saying: ‘You never know when a nun might be carrying a concealed weapon beneath her clothing — their habits are hard to monitor.’ HUN CONTROL — anyone of German origin trying to enter the country will be turned back at the borders. Those already in the U.S. will be subject to stricter controls. In the event of a possible summit with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Trump would be willing to meet her in neutral territory, such as Syria, Russia or North Korea. PUN CONTROL — well, that’s me out of a job. RUN CONTROL — the number of people actively running or jogging at any time is to be strictly scrutinised. ‘We cannot have people who might be a danger to security moving faster than the capability of our wonderful security folks — all remaining 150 of them. A runner throwing a bomb in New York will have time to escape before our agents in Seattle can get to the scene.’ It is hoped this will encourage people to turn to a sedentary pursuit, such as golf. SUN CONTROL — the amount of sunshine is to be strictly curtailed, not just to reduce skin cancers but to prevent a feeling of well-being among the population, which might encourage a rise in protests against the President.

Richard Myers, Hendon, London.