All I want is someone to love, but I’ve never even kissed a girl

DEAR BEL,

I WANT some reassurance — or perhaps a bit of a shove.

My life’s in a rut: I have just got my PhD, so it should be a happy time, but I’m struggling to find a job. And, after nearly 20 years in full-time education (I’m 26), perhaps I’m struggling with the real world in general, which seems so serious and uncaring.

In the past year, I’ve had 20 interviews and have made countless applications besides these, but despite help on how to succeed at interviews, I’ve not made much progress so far.

I’ve been working part-time at a High Street retailer but, being rather shy and sometimes disorganised, perhaps wasn’t best suited to retail. I’ve just been told that once the temporary contract expires, I needn’t re-apply.

This wasn’t a job I wanted for ever, but it’s a blow to my self-esteem, which I’ve often struggled with despite academic achievements. Mind, having had counselling (two counsellors, one therapist) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), I’m slightly more self-confident than I used to be.

More or less dependent on my parents and on benefits, I don’t have the same emotional support network at home that I had when I was at uni, and I slightly rue having done the PhD, even though I’m proud of having done it. The rejections and lack of progress are getting me down, and I blame myself for not having put more effort in at work (I thought I was doing OK, but it seems not) or in interviews.

Moreover, I’ve never been in a relationship or even had sex — in fact, I’ve never kissed anyone. This bothers me, perhaps more than the work situation.

I really want to love and be loved — just want someone to cuddle, as much as anything. Though a shy, only child who finds people difficult, I did join university societies, and have continued socialising through volunteering and interest groups.

My attempts to ask women out have not been successful (low self-esteem doesn’t help!) and I’ve upset girls by trying too hard.

I get carried away, thinking about the life I’m going to have with someone, before I even know if they like me. This means I go too fast and push things with messages and gifts — despite being told by friends and counsellors not to do this. Then I’m hurt.

I wish I could go on a date to get some confidence — although then I may just end up getting overattached too early. Can you give me some words of encouragement? I tell myself to be patient, but I’m beginning to lose hope.

LUKE