Forget Essex, the only way is Bognor Regis!
ALL THE NEWS YOU MISSED ON HOLIDAY (PART 2)
Outrage, shock and anger greeted Kim Kardashian’s appearance at an awards ceremony in Los angeles. ‘Kim was fully clothed!’ reported one distraught fan. ‘How dare she? that’s a disgraceful way to behave in public.’
What is now being called ‘the Kim effect’ seems to have spread to other areas of the world, too. In Newcastle, Mel from geordie Shore was spotted entering a nightclub in a Laura ashley dress, ordering a small orange juice and settling down with a good book.
Meanwhile, in Brentwood, the Only Way Is essex star Jasmin was spotted on CCtV saying that she planned to have an early night.
FOr two hours on tuesday of last week, President trump was reported to have said or tweeted nothing in the least bit scary, unpleasant and/or stupid.
Staff members at the Washington Post and the New York times, and pundits the world over, were said to be ‘distraught’ at the President’s failure to meet his own standards.
‘For all that time, we were faced with the possibility of endless blank pages, leaving readers with nothing to get worked up about. Let me tell you, it was genuinely terrifying,’ said one senior editor.
FOLLOWINg its members’ triumphs over the past few years, the National association of Pollsters and Predictors issued its first weekly forecast for the week ending august 27. Predictions included: — Floyd Mayweather will be knocked out in two rounds by a triumphant Conor Mcgregor. — David Davis will emerge in triumph from the latest Brexit negotiations, with his arm around a beaming angela Merkel. — a spell of mild weather is likely in texas and surrounding areas. — Labour will continue to hold firm on its Brexit stance. — after 20 years, Princess Diana is now ‘largely forgotten’ and Prince Charles ‘more popular than ever’.
IN a major rebranding exercise, the new, forward-looking, familyfriendly management of the National trust has drawn up plans to shed its ‘crusty old fuddy-duddy image’ and replace it with something ‘much more 21st century and out there’.
accordingly, its stately homes will be repackaged as ‘megastar mansions’, and their old ballrooms will be transformed into ‘media hubs with full coffee facilities’. Leading artist tracey emin has been charged with updating the National trust’s assorted oil portraits to make them ‘more relevant to today’s fast-moving lifestyle’.
already, she has improved thomas gainsborough’s 18thcentury portrait the Pink Boy at Waddesdon Manor by hanging a neon sign over his mouth saying: ‘So Why Is My Life Like So utterly rubbish?’ a CrOCODILe filmed grappling with a wildebeest in South africa’s Kruger Park has instructed its solicitors to sue the film-makers for ‘significant’ damages due to loss of reputation. ‘Our client has been deeply upset and wounded by his wrongful portrayal as the type of vicious animal who would use brute force to bring down a victim,’ said his solicitor. ‘He also wishes to make it clear that he was not, as is claimed, “attempting to bite the leg off the wildebeest”. as many witnesses will attest, he was in fact generously attempting to place a shoe on the wildebeest’s foot, in order to offer it greater protection from rough stones at the water’s edge.’ LaSt week, the Office for National Statistics announced that there are officially more celebrities living in the uK than non-celebrities. ‘the percentage of celebrities in the uK is now 51 per cent, the highest since records began,’ revealed a spokesman. this means that noncelebrities are able to command higher fees for personal appearances, reality shows, etc, than their more famous counterparts.
‘On some streets in the uK, it’s now very difficult to trace anyone who is not a former pop star, a footballer, a stand-up comic, a reality tV star, a junior member of the royal Family, a celebrity chef or a former girlfriend of Harry Styles,’ says one leading sociologist. ‘So inevitably there’s going to be tremendous cachet attached to being a complete unknown.’
this has, however, led to an unexpected development. tV companies are now busy trawling the country in search of the most thoroughly unknown men, women and children in order to offer them places on top reality shows, including the great British Bake Off, gogglebox and the forthcoming the Only Way Is Bognor regis.
experts now estimate that, by august 2021, 97 per cent of Britons will be either celebrities or former celebrities, and the remaining 3 per cent will be their agents.